Kick Off Before You Even Get Halfway Through
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: A very strange and unbelivable event forces a twenty-eight year old Clare Edwards into a hunt for answers on why things in her life are the way they are.
1. Should've Said No

**Eeek maybe just one more? A short one. There's a message I think girls need. **

**Also, if you don't like it, please have a heart and don't send me mean messages, all right? This is gonna be different. Really different. **

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Um, your hair looks really nice?" Adam asked Clare with a hesitant look on his face.

She smiled a shy smile at him and gave him a tiny chuckle as she replied, "No, that's not exactly it," half sad and half glad that Adam hadn't correctly identified if she looked different.

"Well, what is it?" Adam then asked curiously as he sat down on the floor by his locker next to Clare.

"Nothing, nothing, forget I asked," Clare replied as she played with the strap of her purse. She knew that she should probably talk about this to a girlfriend, but the truth was that she simply did not have any of those left. In reality, when Jake wasn't around, the only person she spent time with was Adam, hoping that he didn't notice that she _only _asked him to hang out when Jake was in a stubborn mood and insisted that he was busy, something that Clare was not all that fond of.

But Adam did notice. However, he never said anything to her, because he liked his friend and because Drew had told him girls do that sometimes – just like guys did, as Adam well knew.

Clare shook Adam's feelings out of her mind and tried to smile at him but it was as if fate was mocking her as in that second a giggly Alli walked by holding onto Dave's hand. Her look turned to ice as she passed Clare, which only infuriated her ex-best friend even more.

"You're the cheater," Clare muttered under her breath.

"Um, what?" Adam asked. "I'm not a cheater," he defended himself.

"What? No, sorry I wasn't talking to you," Clare said with a fake smile that only confused Adam more. Clare watched as he pulled out a comic book and settled to read it.

"Okay," Adam said with a curious glance her way, the slightest bit of irritation in his voice.

"You know if you don't want to hang out with me," she shot at him, "you can go hang out with Eli; I know comic book time is reserved for him," she said as she stared straight ahead.

"Where do you even come up with that stuff? If I wanted to hang out with Eli at lunch today, I assure you I would. But I wanted to hang out with you too," Adam gently told her. "And I think Eli caught onto that; this is his comic book, actually. He gave it to me and suggested that I eat lunch with you today, something about you being alone because Jake wasn't at school today," Adam told her.

"Glad to see he's still keeping tabs on me," Clare said with an incredulous shake of her head.

"I don't think that's exactly true," Adam said, just a little bit irritated with Clare now. "Jake was his partner for a history presentation, Purino put them together because they worked so well on a project last year together. The only reason Eli is so aware of Jake's whereabouts is because Jake bailed and Eli was learning Jake's part of the presentation this morning in first block when it was obvious Jake wasn't gonna show," Adam shot at Clare.

"Oh," Clare said, just a little embarrassed. "That's not good that Jake missed the presentation," she added, and Adam shook his head at how out of everything he had shared with Clare, _that's_ what she had retained.

"Relax. Jake'll be fine; I saw Eli after when he gave me the comic book and he told me that Purino gave him an A on the presentation, Jake'll share Eli's grade. Because you know – _that seems fair_," Adam said sarcastically. "But you know Purino's a God awful teacher," he then scoffed.

"I wonder if he's sick, maybe I should go home and look after him," Clare then continued.

"Maybe you should," Adam replied a little too quickly for Clare's liking, but the truth was that Adam was beginning to wish that he had spent lunch with Eli after all. He simply could not take any more of Clare's gushing over Jake, and Adam didn't like that Clare didn't even seem to think twice about the fact that this relationship with Jake had cost her a best friend who Adam thought should be forgiven. Surely if Jake could be forgiven, Alli should be too, Adam thought. Adam believed that if Clare had forgiven Jake so quickly – the very next morning going by what Drew had told him when he returned after the cabin trip – that meant that the kiss that he shared with Alli hadn't meant much…right?

To Adam, the fact that Clare hadn't forgiven Alli showed that the kiss really did mean something to Clare, more than she wanted to admit. It meant that Clare didn't trust that it wouldn't happen again, and that she had chosen to deal with the situation by removing the threat – removing Alli. But if Drew's love life had taught Adam anything, it was that removing the girl was not the answer; if a boy wanted to, he did and he _would_. Adam was happy that at least, Drew had seemed to learn this lesson and that he and Katie were going strong. At first Adam had been bothered by the fact that out of all the girls in the world, Drew chose Katie, but Adam realized that his feelings were Katie were more of a rapid, intense infatuation than the serious connection that Drew shared with Katie after she had stood by him so beautifully in a really scary situation. His own feelings for Katie disappeared quite rapidly, while Drew and Katie seemed to get closer every day. Adam had been really proud of his brother when he had reciprocated all the love and support that Katie had shown him and had helped her through her knee injury and rehabilitation, not letting her give up on her soccer dream when she had suffered a breakdown so potent that she was completely ready to give up playing altogether.

"Maybe I will go home. Yeah, I should go," Clare said, her voice interrupting Adam's thoughts.

He stood up from the floor quickly and replied, "Okay. Hope Jake feels better," and Clare rolled her eyes at him; it was so obvious that Adam not only didn't really care, but that he was aching to get away from the things she was saying about Jake – had he even been listening to her a few minutes ago? He seemed a little lost in his thoughts. Clare walked away shaking her head in fury a little, knowing that Adam was probably itching to just to hang out with Eli instead of her.

_Fine. Let him go that. Then when he gets there and Eli freaks out on him and starts being all overwhelming he'll wish he could hang out with me. _

Clare ran into Mrs. Dawes on her way out of the school and smiled a sheepish smile, realizing that now Mrs. Dawes would know she would have skipped – she had her class last block.

_Whatever. I need to go take care of my boyfriend,_ she re-assured herself with a smile at the thought of lying next to Jake and keeping him warm and snuggly. Besides, her marks in Mrs. Dawes had been brutal lately anyway – what would one class even matter? Clare had given up on reading the constructive criticism that Mrs. Dawes left on her papers, remarking that Mrs. Dawes was just bitter and prejudiced against her because she had hurt her precious apple-of-her-eye Eli, who was now Fiona's English partner, and who Clare saw received only As on his papers; as did Fiona, much to Clare's surprise.

Mrs. Dawes, for one, was sad to see Clare head down this path. It was a change that Mrs. Dawes had seen so many times in her teaching experience, and she had tried with Clare – she really had – but Clare was hell bent on a certain path. Mrs. Dawes wondered if she even read the comments that she spent so much time writing on Clare's work, but she just shook her head sadly in regret; Clare had had so much promise, so much strength, and now the only thing that Mrs. Dawes saw her doing was hanging off of a boy who Mr. Simpson had told her was Clare's step-brother. Mrs. Dawes realized that there wasn't much that she could do for Clare – Clare would need to _want_ to set herself straight, and she didn't really seem interested. At least she had another bright girl in the class – Fiona Coyne, though part of Mrs. Dawes wondered if without the sentences here and there that were obviously Eli Goldworthy's suggestions Fiona's work would be so outstanding. It would be, regardless, very good, and Mrs. Dawes was glad that she had made Eli and Fiona partners. They had been a dream team through last year's play – after hitting a bump here and there, of course – and when she had approached Fiona and asked her to join the Gr. 12 Advanced English class, Mrs. Dawes knew that Fiona's question of whether she could sit with Eli was a major selling point. Fiona had been a little nervous, and told Mrs. Dawes that the fact that she had been a good director did not necessarily mean that she would be a good writer, so Mrs. Dawes had patiently encouraged her and promised her that not only could she sit next to Eli, but she could be his partner on assignments.

Mrs. Dawes then walked down the hallway on her way to her classroom, and she smiled pleasantly when she saw Eli walking the opposite way, calling out to Adam. He was coming out of the photography room – Mrs. Dawes had seen him hiding in there a few times, hanging out with Fiona and Imogen, who was one of the leaders of the photography club. Imogen spent a lot of her lunches there with Fiona, and the girls had made it their mission to do their best to keep an eye out on Eli. They wanted him to be happy, and they knew returning to school wasn't easy for him, especially on days that Adam would spend with Clare.

Late one night, when Eli had arrived at Fiona's condo knowing that she was liable to drink that night, Eli spilled a lot – more than he intended – to Fiona. He talked about Clare to his therapist, but to Fiona he only talked about her when Imogen wasn't around, because Eli was deeply ashamed of what he had done to Imogen. He almost couldn't believe that he had acted like such a monster; looking back on those days, Eli felt as if he was watching himself from up above or something – wanting so badly to control the strings on what to him seemed to be a marionette of his own body, but simply being unable to. It had been too strong. He knew that to the dark he was no stranger, but what had happened to him over that period of time…it was stronger than anything he'd known. He was determined to never let it happen again, and after a summer of intensive therapy and proper medicine, he knew that he was now in control.

He also knew that he was in control the night that he spilled everything to Fiona – telling her that he wanted to be friends with Clare, and that he would always be a safe place for Clare to turn to if she was hurt or upset, but also telling Fiona that he would stay out of her way – completely – from now on. Eli saw the looks Clare sent his way when she was with Jake; they screamed 'don't come near us' as loud as anything ever could. He told Fiona that the one and a half drive back to Toronto in Jake's truck after the camping trip with Clare and Jake flirting and teasing each other the _entire way_ and even kissing at every red light was one of the most painful things that he had lived through in his entire life, and he had no desire of ever living through anything like that again. And besides, Eli knew. Clare wasn't interested in being his friend, he told Fiona, and as much as she wanted to comfort him, Fiona couldn't deny it, so she just flashed Eli a small, empathetic smile and told him that he had a right to be happy – that his feelings were just as important as Clare. Eli joked and said 'No…that doesn't sound right,' and Fiona knew that he was masking truth with sarcasm, but she giggled anyway, wanting to make Eli feel just a little better.

"Hi Miss," Eli said politely as he saw Mrs. Dawes smile his way, not having seen her before lunch as he had her class last block.

"Hi Eli. How are you today?" Mrs. Dawes asked him warmly.

"I'm great," Eli responded at once, the rapidity of his answer and the defensive flash in his eyes doing absolutely nothing to fool his favourite teacher.

"That's good Eli," Mrs. Dawes told him with a somewhat sad smile. "Can you stay behind for a few minutes after class today? There's an invitation to the New York's writers festival in my desk for you," she told him, excitement in her voice.

"Really?" Eli asked, opening his eyes widely. "Chuck Palahniuk's gonna be there," he said before he could help himself.

Mrs. Dawes laughed and nodded before she replied, "You bet. And as long as you fill out the forms, so will you. It's organized by NYU's Creative Writing and English departments, they do it as a sort of prospective student kind of thing, and they work it in to the bigger NYC writer's fest," Mrs. Dawes explained.

"What? Really?" Eli asked, a little dumfounded.

"I get to nominate two students – I thought you and Fiona could go; the school can only afford to pay for your registration and airfare, they'd ask you to find your own accommodation, and New York City is expensive. But I believe Fiona has a place there, and you two are friends, you can just stay with her I bet. And you two are my best students, it's only logical – and perfect," Mrs. Dawes told Eli with a wink.

"Seriously?" Eli asked, sounding just as dumbfounded as before.

"Oy, Eli, if this is as eloquent as you're capable of being, I think I need to reconsider my decision," Mrs. Dawes teased him.

"No, no, Miss!" Eli replied at once. "What I mean to say is…thank you so much for this opportunity. It's really amazing; and I'm so honored that you chose me out of everyone. Sounds like I need to write a new story so I can make you – and Degrassi – proud. Better get right on that," Eli replied with a smirk.

"Yes, Eli," Mrs. Dawes told him meaningfully, "I think…a new story is exactly what you should be focusing on now," she continued, and as she stared right at Eli and he nodded Mrs. Dawes knew that the second meaning of her words was not lost on Eli.

"I can, Mrs. Dawes, and I will. I'll write a new story," Eli assured her with a smirk before Mrs. Dawes shot him a pleased smile and said good-bye before heading for her room.

Five minutes later, Adam was congratulating Eli and the boys exchanged a high-five before informing Fiona, who jumped up and down excitedly, saying that she'd write ten million stories if it meant a chance to get away to NYC for a few days.

Eli and Adam then took a seat by Adam's locker, and when Adam began reading the comic book that he had been so deprived of on account of one thing or another, he saw Eli shift on the floor a little uncomfortably.

Just as Adam expected, Eli then asked,

"Everything all right with you and Clare? I thought you were going to chill with her at lunch today," his voice just barely above a whisper.

"Yeah, no, we're cool, she just had to go home and look after Jake because he's sick or something," Adam blurted out, regretting that he didn't think fast enough and just lie to Eli about why Clare had to go home. Telling him that Jake was sick and that Clare ran to his side to be with him in his time of need was probably the last thing that Eli needed to hear, and Adam knew it – which is why he was cursing himself in this moment.

"Oh," Eli remarked, his fake nonchalance not managing to convince Adam…not even for a second. "Well, that's nice," Eli then casually said. "We…um…we got an A in our presentation," Eli awkwardly saying, because he wanted to fill the silence void with something…anything.

"I told her that," Adam then remarked.

"You talked about me?" Eli then blurted out, and the speed of his question made Adam's heart ache. He wished he could give Eli a gentle answer, but Eli had told him a long time ago that his therapist had identified the fact that Eli tended to avoid issues sometimes as one of his biggest problems, so Adam knew that he had to be direct.

"No," he deadpanned, and it was almost as if he saw Eli's entire body deflate right then and there. "She was talking about Jake, and you just came up because of the project," Adam said as Eli nodded, biting his lip unconsciously.

"Okay," Eli then remarked with a blank look on his face, "It's good she knows about the project. She can tell him, and maybe that'll cheer him up a little," Eli said with fake optimism.

"I'm gonna go, gotta grab my books for my next class," Eli then said.

"Dude, there's twenty minutes left until the bell," Adam pointed out.

"Yeah….um…ugh…um…don't wanna be late," Eli faltered, desperately trying to make up an excuse and failing. Adam just shot him an understanding look and he nodded, standing up and turning around to look in his locker as he shook his head sadly. _Just one…just one possibility of her thinking about him and it's got him all unhinged again_, Adam thought.

"Eli…" Adam began.

"I'm fine," Eli stubbornly replied.

"We didn't talk about him much, you know," Adam said, his resistance faltering.

"Adam, you don't need to sugar coat things for me. That's her boyfriend. It's the only thing she talks and thinks about, and I get it, I really do," Eli deadpanned.

"Dude, most of the time I tried to desperately guess what was different about her, she like, cut her hair – though that's not it – and tried to get me to guess what it was anyway, like that annoying thing my mom does to my dad, which all ends up with him being in doghouse for a few days. Damn trick question of girls – though I don't know why I have to be subjected to it," Adam said with a frown.

"You or Clare don't owe me any explanations, or any narratives of what you talk about, and I bet she'd hate it if she knew that you were telling me all this stuff right now," Eli pointed out.

"'Um. You're right. I shouldn't be telling you what we talk about," Adam admitted, looking just a bit embarrassed.

Eli flashed him a small smirk and a reassuring look.

"Dude, Eli," Adam emphatically said, "It's not the same, you know. I miss when we all hung out," Adam pointed out.

"I do too, Adam," Eli confessed. "And I'm sorry I screwed things up for you too – I really am, trust me. But we can't all hang out again, because Clare doesn't want me around. This way, you still get to keep your friendship with her and I can just be out of the way," Eli replied with a small smirk.

"I know," Ada sighed. "But maybe we should try it. Drew said that she asked you to ride with you after that cabin trip," Adam pointed out.

"Come on Adam," Eli sighed. "I didn't realize it then – but she only did that to piss off Alli. To show her that there was no room in the truck for her. To show her that she'll even take me over her – that's how mad she was at Alli," Eli pointed out.

"Oh," Adam said with a small gasp. "I'm sorry," he added.

"Not thing to be sorry about. It is the way it is," Eli said with a shrug as he began walking away.

"Hey Adam?" Eli then said, turning around to face him.

"Yeah?" Adam replied.

"Her ring. It was her ring. That's what she was asking about. That's what she wanted you to notice. She wanted to know if she looked any different without her ring on," Eli deadpanned, moving his gaze from Adam's eyes to the lockers when he saw Adam gaze at him in shock.

"Whaaat? When did you notice that?" Adam gasped.

"She didn't have it on when she walked into school this morning. It was…her ring. That was it," Eli said quietly before he turned around, sighed heavily, and wished that with his next step, the ground would swallow him whole.

His therapist's words came to mind.

_Of course you'll move on with your life. You'll write a new story, I can tell, you know. But it's going to take time, Eli, and a lot of it. And there's one more thing. Stop trying to feel nothing when you look at her, when she catches your eye. Because you loved her; she was your best friend and you love her. I wish I could tell you something different but I can't: every time, and I mean every single time, Eli, that you will see her, all those feelings will come rushing back. You loved her, so every single time, Eli, you will remember it when you see her. You will be right back there. I need to tell you this because I want you to recognize my advice in the real world; and just like I'm right about that, I'm also right about the fact that you can overcome what's happened to you. You'll see her, and you'll love her, but other things will happen too, Eli. Other things too._

Eli thought about the fact that, just as Dr. Thomson had said, she had been right about everything – she always predicted how Eli would feel; read his mood journals and nodded, and said of course he would feel like that in whatever situation he happened to be describing.

She was right about this too, Eli thought as he exhaled deeply. Seeing her always reminded him of the fact that he loved her. He knew he was living in hell today after he had seen her ring less finger. She had gotten back with Jake three weeks ago, he knew, and her virginity was already out the window, he thought with a sigh.

_She slept with him. She shared everything with him. I wonder if he knows how much that means to her. I used to think he loved her, but I'm not so sure anymore. I know they were broken up, but I can't imagine kissing Alli hours after – regardless of their dating situation. But she did it. I just know; I know that she was the one to initiate it. She slept with him. She went to bed with him; she let him touch her, she let him take her clothes off, and she gave herself to him completely. _

_STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. You're going to go crazy again. You'll scare everyone again. They'll put you away this time; they'll put you away for good. DON'T THINK DON'T THINK DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. STOP IT STOP IT. She let him lay her down – STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. DON'T THINK. DON'T GO THERE. THINK ABOUT-ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING. They'll put you away, you won't be able to go to school, you won't go to college, forget writing – no one reads the ravings of a lunatic, publishing out of the mental ward of a hospital. I don't want to be insane,_ Eli thought as he fought back the tears successfully once outside the school, hiding against its eastern wall.

In that moment, as he shakily gasped in attempts to regulate his breathing, all Eli knew was that he didn't want to.

He didn't want to breathe. He wished to be…cold as stone; then he wouldn't feel a thing, he knew. He wished he didn't have his scars, the heart that he did, and definitely not the mind that he did. If he didn't, he reasoned that he could stand strong and still, on his own, as he replayed her walking away from him time after time and time again. He wouldn't hurt like this, or feel so all alone. He thought that by now he'd be far, but all the tears were blurring every line, and in weak moments and when he heard his favourite songs he'd always think back to when she was his. If he didn't had this heart, and this mind, he thought, he could stand all alone in the rain. But he didn't, and he knew that it would take forever to get over her, and he knew that this pain wouldn't go away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my God, where have you been? I've been worried sick about you!" an irritated Clare Edwards yelled at Jake Martin when he somewhat awkwardly stumbled into their house.

"Oh God, give me a break," Jake groaned.

"What? Excuse me? That's what you have to say to me right now?" Clare yelled at him.

"I was out," Jake scoffed as he pushed his way past her and sat down on the couch. When Clare followed him and sat down next to him, her leg pressing against his, Jake closed his eyes and wished he had the strength to get up.

"I heard you were sick, I came home from school hours ago to look after you!" she said, her voice getting more gentle. When she gently took Jake's hands in her own and added, "I wanted to make you some chicken noodle soup, and I thought we could just cuddle and I could hold you," she thought he'd smile, but instead he uncomfortably pursed his lips and looked away.

"What's wrong? You don't feel well, I know you don't. Here, I'm going to go get started on that soup right away, okay?" Clare offered, and she was pleased when Jake nodded with an uncomfortable smile – because she at least got a smile out of him.

When she returned with the soup, she gasped softly when she remembered that she had a bit of good news to share with Jake – maybe get him talking more, she reasoned.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you, Adam told me you got an A on your history project," she told him with a smile, hoping he'd get a little jealous because surely the fact that she knew this placed her in a little proximity to Jake's project partner. And jealousy would be a good sign, right?

"Oh, sweet," Jake said as he ate his soup in a rush, looking even hungrier than usual, which took Clare back a little.

Jake then added, "I feel kind of bad I bailed on Eli like that, but it looks like he did fine. This time we weren't building anything, it was just presenting something he'd written like 99% of anyway, some Cold War argument about what didn't make the 'Cold War Hot' as he termed the project. I don't get it though, what it means, 'Cold War Hot,' but apparently it's funny 'cause Purino sure laughed at it," Jake said with a frown.

Clare gave Jake a frown of her own when he brought up Eli's word play and her voice gained an annoyed tone as she explained, "You project must have been on Cold War showdowns that could have led to war – therefore, Cold War Hot, like it didn't turn Hot at any point, crisis averted. Cold War is termed Cold because it wasn't an actual soldiers-on-the-frontlines kind of war; then it would have turned Hot," she finished.

"Oh. Weird," Jake said with a funny look, and something told Clare that he still didn't get it.

She brushed that thought away as not important, and she moved closer to Jake and attempted to snuggle against him and kiss him when he pulled away, making her frown.

"I don't care that you're sick," she said with a loving grin his way.

"Yeah, ugh, um…just…I'm a little better," Jake replied awkwardly.

"Even better," Clare said with a grin as she straddled his lap before Jake even knew what she was doing.

She then whispered, "Let's go to my room now. Our parents won't be home for an hour…plenty of time," she mischievously said as she grabbed his shirt collar. "I'll be better this time, I promise," she then added with flaming cheeks, and she kissed Jake deeply, only being more forceful with him when he didn't respond.

When he flat out pushed her away and abruptly moved he off his lap and onto the couch and he stood up immediately, leaving her alone and embarrassed, she felt fear take over her entire body.

"We're not having sex again," he then deadpanned, and Clare then gave him an exasperated,

"What? Why not? Was I not good enough?" she asked sarcastically, full of anger at him.

"Clare, I don't feel comfortable doing that with you," Jake then replied. "It was a mistake, I should have stopped it, I let myself get carried away, and now….I regret it," he deadpanned, and had a pink alien fallen from the sky, Clare couldn't have been more surprised at Jake's opinion….and his choice of words.

"What? No, Jake, I'm fine with it – I even took my ring off, look!" Clare said, holding up her hand in order to demonstrate her point.

Clare then continued, "It was…perfect. It was…a once in a lifetime moment, something I never want to take back. You know why? Because it was with you – with someone who loves me, who I love, and with who I'm going to be with forever," she softly told him, her tone full of hope and perfect confidence.

"Damn it, Clare!" Jake then said, raising his hands in the air in frustration and facing her, an icy stare in his eyes.

He had tried to be rational and gentle with her up until this point, but when he saw that she was having none of it and raving on about the same things, Jake simply exploded. It was something that did not happen much – something Clare had never seen, but Jake had been living with a lot of pressure and tormented thoughts lately, and his current state made them all come out.

"Stop it! Just stop it, Clare!" he said, raising his tone. "I just can't take it anymore! You know this isn't my style! I just wanted us to be happy together!" he said.

"And we are!" Clare yelled back.

"Clare, come on, we are so not on the same page! I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna explode! I just can't do it anymore," Jake said, exhaling deeply. "This is so not what I want Clare. I'm just not this guy, and I thought you knew it. But instead you…you _make all these plans, talk about forever_…when _it's not what I want_, Clare. And what _I want_ matters too. You're…for so long, you've been _suffocating _me! Just…completely suffocating me! We _need_ to break up! The new school year is here now, it can be like…a new fresh start, okay? For both of us. But we need to break-up. I can't be sleeping with the girl who my dad thinks I see as a sister. It's all just messed up. You're overwhelming me. I'm done," Jane finished as Clare stared at him completely shell shocked.

"You sure didn't have a problem sleeping with your step sister yesterday!" Clare accused him, mustering just enough strength to do so through her shock at Jake's words.

The things he had said….the way he had expressed them…almost stopped her heart.

"Yeah, well things have changed. And…there's something else you should know," Jake said, dealing her a final card because he wanted this break-up to take right away and Clare was resisting. Jake felt like he simply could not listen to any more of her 'forever' talk; he'd rather shoot himself, he thought. What he had to tell her was pretty bad, he knew, but in this case it would actually help his situation. He just hoped Clare wouldn't be too hurt.

"What else?" she said as her entire body shook in fury.

"After last night…this morning it all hit me. What we did. I regretted it, and I needed to take my mind off it really badly, so I decided to skip school. Doing a presentation with Eli out of all people – after what we did last night – was really the last thing I felt like doing on Earth. But I wanted to relax, like…really relax…you know, with the help of some…herbal refreshment," Jake said, because he knew that although Clare was not a fan of his preferred pot relaxation method, she tolerated it.

When all Clare did was stare at him in fury, Jake continued, "So I called up Anna," and he then saw Clare flinch.

Jake's friend Anna had been…a sort point in their relationship, if you will. When she moved up to the city and tracked him down, Clare had been in a panic that he would cheat – Anna was pretty, and she did pot as well – so she had made Jake promise that he would never hurt her, and he had.

"And what?" Clare asked, almost being too afraid to do so but needing to know.

"And she picked me up in her van and we drove out to the waterfront and just hung out in the back of her van for a while. I hadn't really seen her in so long, and…" Jake faltered.

"And WHAT?" Clare flat-out yelled.

"And…things went a little further than they should have," Jake said as Clare's jaw dropped in shock.

"How far?" she asked, and when Jake didn't answer, she screamed it again – at the top of her lungs.

"We just, we, um –" Jake hesitated, now being really embarrassed.

"You have sex with her," Clare deadpanned, the answer appearing to her as obvious as possible.

Jake only nodded in confirmation.

"So…a few hours after we exchanged virginities, you go and have sex with her," Clare snarled.

"Um, excuse me?" Jake asked. "I never said I was a virgin," Jake pointed out.

"What?" Clare asked in shock, wondering how much more she could take before her heart would come to a complete rest.

"I never said that," Jake defended himself. "I wasn't," he clarified.

"So we didn't? Exchange virginities? You had already…oh God, Jake…how many? One other girl, right?" Clare asked.

"Not exactly," Jake shyly answered.

"HOW MANY?" Clare yelled.

"I don't keep count," Jake said, exasperated. "Like, four, five?" he guessed.

"Maybe five, six, seven, eight, nine?" Clare asked in anger.

"I don't know!" Jake replied just an angrily.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God," Clare whispered in desperation, "Do I need to go get tested for STDs?" she asked in horror.

"I always use a condom, but like, I don't know, if you want to, it's never a bad idea," Jake answered.

"GET OUT! Just get out!" Clare then yelled, "You cheated on me! You promised you never would, and you have sex while you're high with the first skank who offers! I hate you! I HATE YOU! You stole my virginity –" Clare began.

"Woah, I believe I told you I didn't want to force you!" Jake defended himself.

"Shut up! SHUT UP!" Clare screamed in hysterics, "GET OUT! GET OUT! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?" she yelled as she was overcome by wild sobs and tears.

"Clare, Clare, calm down," Jake said as he reached for her, trying take her in his arms and calm her down.

"Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me! Stop it! Don't lay a finger on me!" Clare screamed at the top of her lungs, making the neighbours leave their house immediately, because they had known Clare a long time, and when a sixteen year old girl was yelling those things, it could only mean one thing in everyone's mind.

When the middle-aged man who lived next door burst through the door, Clare and Jake were both taken aback.

"You leave her alone," he said.

Clare breathed through her tears and said, "Oh, George, don't worry. I'm sorry I was so loud. It's okay, this is Jake, my brother," Clare said, because she wanted him to go away now.

"Your…brother?" Clare's neighbour replied with an extremely confused look on his face, as he had heard everything that Clare had yelled at Jake.

"Yes," Clare replied, as she was so used to at school, and she ushered George out of her house quickly.

When she returned, Jake began walking to her again, so Clare reached for the framed photo of her and Jake that their parents had taken and she raised it as high as possible before dropping it to the ground, and watching in satisfaction as the glass shattered into a million little pieces.

Jake watched in shock.

"Get out," Clare whispered in fury.

"Clare, I live here," Jake said, stating the obvious. "Where am I supposed to go?" he asked.

Clare heaved painfully, knowing Jake was right. She could not run away from this – this was not Eli, she thought with tears in her eyes, who stayed away after he finally realized that it was what she wanted…she would have to live with this every minute that she was at home.

She sobbed painfully and said, "I hate you. You ruined everything for me. You cheated on me. I lost my best friend because of you".

"Alli will forgive you," Jake replied.

"I wasn't talking about Alli," Clare snapped back as fresh tears invaded her eyes and made her mascara run, confusing Jake with her answer.

"I HATE YOU! You are a pathetic excuse for a man," Clare snarled tearfully as she grabbed another picture, this one of her and Jake at the wedding and slammed it on the table.

"Stop doing that," he told her.

"This is MY house and I will do whatever I want!" Clare shouted, moving to the mantelpiece and throwing every single picture frame that she found, regardless of what it contained, anywhere that she could before Jake finally restrained her and forcefully held her sobbing form.

When the door opened, Helen and Glen's eyes widened in shock.

"What on earth is happening here?" Helen gasped.

"Jake? Care to explain?" Glen said, knowing it would be up to him to keep Helen calm.

When he saw the cuts up and down Clare's hands, he wasn't sure he'd be able to achieve such a thing.

"No! No! Let me go!" Clare was still screaming as she struggled in Jake's grip.

"Jake Martin, take your hands off my daughter and let her go," Helen said authoritatively, making fear flood Jake's entire body because as he met Helen's gaze he knew that she had caught on to the fact that him and Clare hadn't exactly stopped dating when Helen thought they had.

He released Clare and she immediately moved as far away from him as possible, stuck in the limbo space between him and her parents.

"Why does our house look like a disaster zone?" Glen calmly asked. "I don't remember an earthquake occurring while Helen and I were gone," he tried to joke. No one rewarded him with as much as a giggle.

"Jake. Explain," Glen then said.

"No, no, let me. Let me," Clare piped up, and Jake didn't like her sarcastic tone one bit.

"You see mom," Clare began as she stared her mother right in the eye, "Jake and I were dating – after your wedding as well," Clare said as Helen shot her an angry glare. When Glen shot his own son a very unimpressed glare, Jake looked away in shame.

Clare then continued, "And I thought we would be together forever. But your pot-smoking step-son had other plans," Clare mischievously said, as Helen looked at Jake with surprise on her face while Glen just rolled his eyes, because he knew about Jake's habit and didn't have the same stance on it that he knew Helen probably would.

"So he skipped school today, called up a pot whore that he knows and he screwed her in her van," Clare said, her mom's eyes widening in shock at Clare's language.

"Clare Diana Edwards, my daughter does not use such language," Helen sternly said.

"Oh give me a break," Clare scoffed, raising her hands in the air in frustration. "What do you know about what your daughter does and doesn't do? Darcy's gone and you know nothing about me, mom," Clare accused her mother as she stared at the broken shards of glass that were everywhere.

"I know that whoever this is right now…talking…destroying my home…lying to me and hiding things from me….is not my daughter," Helen gently said.

Clare laughed bitterly and said, "Open your eyes, mom! I'm not the same little girl that thought my mommy is perfect and my daddy is the best man to ever exist," Clare said painfully, "And you…you know nothing about me. Tell me mom, do you even know that _your own little girl is no longer a virgin?_" Clare asked as she laughed bitterly.

Glen had never seen the look that crossed Helen's face in the next second…ever.

"Excuse me?" Helen gasped in shock.

"You heard me," Clare deadpanned. "_Jake screwed me_. In more ways than one. But when we had sex last night – it was in my room, while you were out on your date night with Glen. We had sex – in the bed you picked out for me. Twice," Clare shot bitterly as she held up her bare hand to her mom, who now had a tear running down her face.

Glen slowly said, "Jake, go to your room and don't come out until you are told to do so," shooting his son an angry look which made Jake realized just how much trouble he was in. His dad never got mad at him…and Jake knew he had something big coming.

Glen whispered something in Helen's ear and followed Jake up the stairs, leaving Helen and Clare staring at each other, surrounded by bits of glass everywhere.

"Tomorrow morning you are going to the doctor," Helen said, her voice barely above a whisper. "You've had a long last few hours, Clare. Go to bed. Tomorrow morning I will call the school and tell them you won't be coming in. I think I have a lot of things to talk about with my daughter. I won't be going in to work. If you and Jake do not break-up, for real this time, you and I are moving out. I will not live like this," Helen assertively said.

"It's over between Jake and I," Clare whispered.

"I sure hope you mean that, Clare Diana Edwards, and if I find you ever lying to me again, you have no idea the things I will do," Helen said in a threatening tone. "You can't even imagine them. But for now, I think tomorrow we need to talk about some of my mistakes as well. What you have done is a serious thing, Clare. Did you use protection?" Helen whispered as a tear fell down her face when she had to ask her sixteen year old daughter that question.

"Condom," Clare whispered.

"Condoms are not fool proof, and they don't work against all STDs. Jake is a boy who I assume has been with his fair share of girls. You're going to get an STD panel done tomorrow, and in two weeks, we will return to the doctor," Helen instructed, focusing on the things that she needed to do in an effort to maintain her calm and sanity. Clare, for one, was surprised at the things her mom was saying, and she was wishing someone would have told her these things about Jake before…her mom was reading him so much more correctly than she had, Clare thought as she shook her head bitterly.

"And what you have done," Helen continued, "Will also affect my marriage – hard," she stated.

"Mom, I never meant to –" Clare began as realization sank in.

"I know you didn't mean to," Helen kindly said. "You weren't think about others, just yourself," she said, but her tone was kind, and not accusatory. The sentence however, remained with Clare…it hit her hard.

"Go on up to bed Clare. Glen will be putting a lock on your door tonight. A lock that only I will have the key to," Helen strictly said, making Clare feel like she was five years old.

"Tomorrow morning, you and I have a lot to talk about," Helen said as she made Clare go upstairs, and then sank down in the couch and sobbed uncontrollably. Glen appeared just a few minutes later and held her tightly.

Up in her room, in the bed that now made Clare feel dirty and uncomfortable and scared, Clare heard her mom crying and was overcome by guilt.

_How did everything get so screwed up? I only want to grow up and get out of this house. I can't stay here with him. I can't. I can't. The only thing I want to do is get out of here; I need to get out of this house. I want to be a grown up; I want to be on my own and independent. That's the only thing that I want. I want out of this house. I want to be in my own place, grown up, and not relying on anybody. I don't need anybody. I don't need any suffocating boyfriends who are delusionally obsessed with 'protecting' me, I don't need any cheating liars who steal my virginity and break up with me the next day because they'd rather have sex with a pot whore. I just want to be on my own and out of this house. I'm so sick of being treated like a little girl. I am not a little girl. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ugh, I'm up, I'm up," Clare groaned as she rolled over, but much to her surprise, that led to her falling out of bed.

When she opened her eyes, she screamed – she was not in her own room, she thought!

But that was nothing to when she turned around and she was faced with the reflection in the mirror.

She was _old! _She was like…twenty-five, or even older!

She did everything to snap out of it; of what surely must be a dream.

But there was no escaping it; those bills there on the counter, with her name on it and the Toronto address that she had never heard of…those were for her.

There was no denying it; she was definitely not a little girl anymore, and she was definitely not in her mother's house anymore.

She was on her own!

She screamed again. But this time it was a cry of joy. 


	2. Vienna

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare walked around the apartment that she had woken in and smiled and giggled to herself; it wasn't that big, but it was cool. Really cool, she thought with a smile as she examined her red couch and elegant kitchen.

She decided to go back to the bedroom and try to locate some type of planner; she knew herself well – in high school she had not been able to live without an agenda. Sure, she sort of didn't fill it in as religiously once things really got going with Jake, but she was very fond of them. She smiled when she saw a Blackberry on her night stand; so her adult self had switched to something a little more technological, she saw. After fiddling with it for a while, she saw that she had quite a few conference video calls scheduled for today – so she had a job that involved that, she thought. She looked at the bottom of the emails and found her own name, and the address of a…newspaper.

_I'm a journalist?_ _That's awesome! I got the career that I wanted! It's not at the Toronto Star, though…I don't know the name of this paper; but it's been twelve years, surely some things have changed in the newspaper world. This is probably better than the Star; obviously I'd have to work at the best,_ she thought to herself before her eyes fell to a purple round plastic container that looked like a beauty mirror and powder container. When she opened it and saw a circle composed of tiny round pills, she softly gasped.

_So I'm on the pill. This means I have a boyfriend,_ Clare thought with a smile before it quickly fell at the memory of what for her was last night and the awful way her relationship with Jake had come crashing down…and the awful things she had said to her mom. She remembered some type of big punishment being threatened upon her and seeing Glen angrier than she had ever seen him…and she breathed a sigh of relief, being glad that she had…fast forwarded through that in a way.

_Should I take one? I guess so,_ Clare thought as she walked to the bathroom and took one of the pills along with some water, wondering if that's what you were supposed to do every morning. She remembered briefly knowing that you did. She desperately wished she had a girlfriend that she could call and ask, but she thought that surely as she made her way to the paper she'd catch on to who her friends were.

_I also gotta track Jake down,_ she thought to herself, and she smiled when she saw that his number was indeed in her contacts. Sure, he was her brother, and she had no intention of getting back with him after he had cheated so horribly and basically made her feel like she had been terrible at sex…so terrible that Jake didn't even want to do it again, and everyone knew guys always jumped at that chance, right?

_Not exactly,_ the back of her mind told her, but she shook that particular incident out of her mind. She hesitated, but after a minute, she did check the 'E' section of her contact list…and she smiled when she saw that he wasn't on it.

_Dear God, if thirteen years was what it took to finally get my space…thank you. Thank you. I was so relieved at that dance, not knowing the worst was to come with that play. Thank God that time and distance have a way of changing things even when it comes to the most insistent person I have ever come in contact with. _

_ I'll call Jake after work, and I'll tell him I hit my head or something – how can I even begin to explain this? Then he can catch me up on what I've missed,_ Clare told herself, flinching a little at the possibility of Jake having a family now…surely he wouldn't…right?

Clare pushed that thought out of her mind and took a look in the mirror. She liked what she saw, as did everyone who came into contact with her on the street. The years had been generous to her; she was even more beautiful now than she was as a teenager, and a quick scan of a large closet and expensive make-up counter led for a very happy girl as she got ready. She chose a light pink dress for work and picked up the large brown leather purse that was by the door before she hailed a cab. Downtown Toronto looked just about the same, she thought with a faint smile as the cab zipped through the streets…a few new towers here and there, but overall, she was rather surprised at how little had changed.

She paid the cab driver the thirty dollars, finding lots of bills in her wallet, and marveling at how if one thing had changed, it definitely was inflation – twelve years ago that ride would have definitely been under ten bucks. She liked that she lived downtown, and even if she imagined herself having a house by this age, she reasoned that she did well enough, and she couldn't wait until surely her boyfriend would call. Her inbox and outbox were empty, sadly, but surely if he was her boyfriend he'd call.

She made her way into the office tower, loving the large billboard of the _Toronto Electric Way_ first page that was on the first floor. She hoped that she looked all right and that she could make it through the day without looking too odd.

"Hello," she said politely to the receptionist behind the large writing that once again reflected the name of the paper that she worked for, but she didn't like that the receptionist didn't even do as much as look up.

"Edwards," she then heard a lady with shiny black hair call immediately – she was inside an office and she was gesturing for Clare to come in.

"Hi," Clare said politely, keeping her poker-face on.

"It's not the 1990s, what's with the dress? Please remember the dress code," the lady then said with a frown, making Clare embarrassed and self-conscious at once.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"Sorry does me no good. You will go home and change," the lady said dismissively as Clare wanted to hide in the ground forever. So much for not standing out, she thought sadly.

"And as for your last story," the lady who Clare now realized was her boss continued, "One more piece that causes us a defamation lawsuit and you're out," she added.

"What?" Clare breathed as she took the newspaper in her shaking hands. Being a lawyer's daughter, Clare knew that defamation lawsuits happened to newspapers and magazines that printed untruthful things.

"I know you're a gossip columnist, but not the DA – but tone it down a bit, okay?" the lady asked as she waved Clare out of her office.

"A gossip columnist?" Clare asked in shock. Surely she couldn't be doing that.

"Out of my office now, Edwards," the lady said as she even added a mean "Shoo, shoo," and its corresponding hand gesture.

"What?" Clare breathed as she finally saw the office with her name on it.

It was small. Really small. But…there was a photo on it! He was cute. Really cute, Clare thought with a blushing smile. She couldn't imagine how she'd handle that one, though. She was obviously having sex with him, right? Well, what if he wanted to….like…the first night that she'd see him? Or no, maybe she was – Clare thought in a moment of hope, but as she looked down and saw her ringless hand – just the same way that it was before she went to bed – she felt a gaping feeling of disappoint take over her entire body.

She always thought that she'd be at least engaged by 28.

_Well, at least he IS cute. Really cute, _Clare thought with a smile as she studied the picture of a very attractive blond boy dressed in a dark suit. He was sitting in a chair at what was obviously an incredibly fancy office party, and she was on his lap. She loved the black dress that she was wearing, and he hair was done up very elegantly.

_Looks like I did well,_ Clare thought with a giggle.

"Mrs. Edwards?" Clare jumped when she heard her voice, and she didn't exactly know how to respond to the middle aged lady who asked that question. Her hair was obviously in fake curls, Clare thought, and surely if she got in trouble for her outfit, that lady must have also, Clare thought with a frown.

"Yes?" she asked, deciding to keep things simple.

"I have your messages," the woman said shyly, walking up to Clare slowly and handing her a series of post-its.

"Let's hear them," Clare said with a smile as she realized that she had a secretary! Surely she was high-up on the chain of command if she had a secretary, right?

"Maybe you should just read them…" the woman shyly told Clare, and Clare wondered why she always seemed to afraid.

"Aren't you my secretary?" Clare asked in confusion, but the older lady interpreted that as irritation on Clare's part, and she scolded herself mentally. Of course she was Clare's secretary; she had been in the job for two years – the longest of any of her assistants, she thought to herself, but she knew she would definitely not voice such thoughts to her boss. She had two boys to put through college, and even if the job didn't pay well, at least it was something – and she couldn't afford to lose it, of course.

"Yes, ma'am, of course. My apologies, ma'am," she answered, and she took a deep breath before she began what she knew would not be a very fun task…she had been the one on the receiving end of those phone calls, after all.

"Greg from Hollywood News Tonight called before you came in, and he says 'I hope you're happy, you life-ruiner, I can't believe you scooped my source, that was a new low, even for you'. Tracy from the media department called and said 'That lawsuit you caused will also impact my department, I can't believe you lied to my face and told me you'd never print it, I hope Susan fires you'. Your boyfriend called and said, 'Sweetpea, you seem uptight. Let me come over tonight and I'll show you how I can make you –' umm…perhaps you'd better read the rest of these messages yourself," Clare's assistant told her, knowing that she could never read that particular message and the particular words that it contained outloud.

"Oh my God, those were so mean," Clare breathed in shock. "Why were they so mean?" she asked as she slightly trembled.

"It's the journalism world, Miss," her assistant told her, shocked to see Clare in this mood. "Please don't fire me, Mrs. Edwards," she then pleaded.

"Fire you? I'm not going to fire you, relax. You can, um, you can go now," Clare said, closing her office door behind her assistant.

"What is this nightmare?" Clare then asked herself as she read the messages over and over again. How could people be so mean? Why were they calling her those awful names? One of them was a flat-out death wish sent her way.

Was this was working in journalism was really like? Was this what being a gossip columnist was like?

_I'm…I'm a gossip columnist,_ Clare thought as she flinched in shame.

That wasn't what she wanted to do. She had never wanted to do that, but those messages were nothing compared to the stories that she saw when she examined her desk. All the stories with her name at the top.

Clare's hands trembled and she felt her cheeks flush as she read them. Adultery, divorce, miscarriages…all things she'd claim to uncover…but…but why was she publishing them like that? Half the time the women involved didn't even know about them, Clare realized. Her words…they weren't poetic, her articles weren't long, and…they had the clear intent of shock value, but…they were so hurtful, whether they were true or not. She couldn't believe that she did this to people, and it quickly all became too much. She ran out of her office, yelling an excuse about going home and changing, and she panted in the elevator in fear.

What was she doing? Dear God what was she doing writing those things? And no one had come to her as a friend, and that woman…her assistant…she was scared of her, Clare realized. She practically trembled while around her, and she begged Clare not to fire her in a second's conversation.

_Did I threaten to fire her? Why was she so jumpy around me? _Clare thought to herself as she hailed another cab and made her way back to the apartment.

When she got there and saw the man from the photo inside, she flat out-screamed.

"Whoa, baby, baby," he told her at once, moving forward towards her.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled, recoiling in fear. This guy was huge! Way bigger than he seemed in the photo, Clare realized.

"I can't believe you're still upset about yesterday. Let me take you out to dinner and we can talk, okay?" he said, and Clare found herself nodding, because an explanation – any explanation sounded good about now.

"Sure," she said with a faint smile, and moving aside when he tried to kiss her, "I just have to change," Clare justified and she walked to her dresser and chose a navy suit that was more similar to what she had seen some of the other girls wear.

"I'm ready," she then said with a sweet smile, and she led the way out of the apartment in an order to avoid any more kissing attempts. When she felt her boyfriend's hand smack her bottom, she jumped up in shock and slapped him – hard.

"What the hell?" he asked, all of a sudden looking very angry. "Care to explain?"

"Don't do that!" Clare yelled at him.

"Ouch! Still in the doghouse, I get it," Clare heard him reply, and she frowned his way. She couldn't take her eyes off of him though. He was extremely fit – something she hadn't realized from the photo. He had well-defined muscles, and he was so tall, Clare reflected as they made their way inside the elevator…and for a brief second, she tried picturing his naked chest as she studied him further when he guided her out of the building.

When two teenage girls screamed louder than Clare had ever heard anyone scream, Clare jumped in shock…but nothing could surprise her more than when she realized that they were screaming at the sight of her boyfriend…and she reflected that…she really must have done well after all. She watched them sign their school notebooks and she wondered who he was.

_Oh my God, I bet he's a famous author! I just know that's it. Or maybe he writes screen plays for movies! Or maybe he's a Pulitzer-winning journalist! But I think…I don't know, I just think he's an author. I just know it. I just feel it. _

But he was so quiet, Clare remarked, when she heard her phone vibrate all of a sudden.

"Hello?" she answered, not even checking the Caller ID.

"Edwards, where the hell are you?" Clare heard at the other end of the line, and she realized that it was her boss. After a quick discussion with the boy who Clare now knew was her famous boyfriend – one in which she didn't like that he didn't seem all that upset about her cancelling her lunch together, and how he made her promise she'd make things up to him later tonight by 'being nice', whatever that meant – Clare returned back to work.

Once there, she studied some notes in a notebook – but they were just so awful. The language was…dirty. There was simply no other way around it; it was…_how could I ever write those things? I won't, I just won't, _Clare thought with determination as she slammed the notebook shut and proceeded to spend the next few hours reading some books that were in her bookcase, all about the newspaper industry…and gossip writing. She didn't like one single thing that she found in them, and when she saw others begin to leave the office, she ran out of there, trying not to attract too much attention to herself.

She needed to get some answers. And she called the number that she determinedly thought was the one of the person who could help her. He'd always helped her…right? She thought to herself. When he picked up on the first ring and the conversation stayed pretty vague and awkward as they made plans to meet at a nearby diner, Clare wondered if he would be the right one to help her after all.

"Jake?" she said softly as she took a seat next to him. It was one thing to see herself and a bunch of strangers later on, but it was a completely different thing to see someone who she knew. Jake was even taller, if such a thing was possible, and Clare was struck by how much he had come to look like his dad. He also had a tiny beer belly, but he looked good, and he gave Clare a shy, very brother-like hug that left her frowning a bit. To her, this was the boy that had completely shattered her heart just a day ago, and now…things just felt so different; it was as if someone had put something in the air and the particles were making it all so….so very different.

"Hey sis," Jake said with a smile as Clare frowned again. He called her sis now? "How's the world of gossip?" Jake teased, and Clare really didn't like that.

"Awful," she answered sincerely, but Jake's eye had travelled to an approaching waitress, making Clare's jaw literally drop at his ways. Had he always been like this and she had just simply not noticed?

Clare then carefully asked, "How was your job?"

"Oh you know, business is hard to come by these days, no one is really building houses down here anymore, all the real development happens out west. Looks like the company's going to break even this year though, so that's good. I'm thinking of heading out west soon. I can make some real money out there – all those fancy investors in Vancouver have already said they like my work. Got an offer to build vacation homes in Whistler. But…you know, I've got to think about stuff like that really carefully now, custody and child support changes the whole ball game," Jake sighed.

"Custody? Child support? What on earth are you talking about?" Clare asked in confusion.

"You all right sis?" Jake replied as he raised an eyebrow at Clare.

"I'm actually not…I bumped my head, and I'm having a bit of a fuzzy time," Clare replied.

"Ouch. You all right?" Jake asked, and Clare hated how he was so consumed by his now-arrived food.

"I'm fine," she said angrily, not that Jake picked up on it. "What is this about a kid?" she asked in shock.

"You know…Jane…I mean, ugh, God, I don't get it. I've been good man – some chicks would always be like, 'Nah, it's all right, Jake, forget the condom,' and I still end up with a kid!" Jake said, and his frustration was evident.

"What do you mean? How is that possible?" Clare asked, getting even more confused.

"Condom broke with Jane, after like one week of being with her. Next thing I know, BOOM, she's having my kid," Jake said as he stopped eating and looked down at his plate.

"So you're married now?" Clare asked with a gasp.

Jake raised his eyebrow at her again and said, "Pretty big bump there, sis," and Clare flinched again at the use of that term. "And what makes you think I'm married? This is the 21st century. I do my part; I pay child support. She gets her cheque always on time from me, I'm no deadbeat dad. But I can't…like do the dad thing. I was only twenty when it happened; I couldn't….I didn't need that, and I couldn't deal with it. She gets my money, I do my part. I've never once been late with the payments. But the kid doesn't know me; by the time I kind of wanted him to, he was too old. Cried when I tried to hold him. He hates me. But Jane can't complain. I always send the money," Jake said as Clare looked on in shock.

She didn't like this anymore.

This was no longer fun.

This was awful.

This was a nightmare. Surely it had to be a nightmare.

_Wake up. Snap out of it! _Clare urgently whispered to herself.

"You all right sis?" Jake then asked.

"Stop calling me that!" Clare abruptly told him.

"Well excuse me," Jake sarcastically said, "I've only been saying it for the past twelve years," as he raised his hands in a defensive gesture.

"Jake….help me remember…my mind is all messed up. What happened after you know…we broke up…our parents found out?" Clare said in a low whisper.

"Oh God, please don't remind me. Biggest mistake of my life," Jake said as he shut his eyes tightly.

"Biggest mistake of your life?" Clare repeated in shock. She didn't understand how he could possibly refer to what they had had as the biggest mistake of his life! He had been there too, and he sure seemed to like it, she thought as fury began to overtake her body. And he had a kid! A kid he obviously was no dad to, and their relationship had been their biggest mistake?

"You got that right," Jake said with an embarrassed laugh. "I'd never seen my dad so furious at me before. Nothing makes him mad – nothing except lying to him, which is why he was so furious when he found out about our little adventure. I had never been grounded in my life before, and all of a sudden here I was, school, home, and any spare minute that I had he sent me to work at the company. Killed my game with girls when he didn't even pay me for like four months of me working my butt off. And he made me end my every sentence to you with 'sis,' which pissed you off like there was no tomorrow. But it kinda stuck, sis," Jake teasingly said as Clare felt like exploding any second.

"Stop it! What…my mom…" Clare then whispered in her search for answers.

"Oh God," Jake groaned, "If my dad was mad…Helen…man I saw no fury like that ever before in my life, nor do I wish to. Do you not remember how she would literally lock you in your room every night? You were only allowed to go to school, and to church – and she made you do that Sunday school volunteer thing where you had to teach kids about abstinence! I can't imagine how you did, how humiliating it must have been – you used to slide on your purity ring just for the hours that you'd do that for, because imagine one of those kids asking you! Oh my God, she was so furious – my dad calmed her down a bit, but he was scared. Scared it would be the end of his marriage…it was like hell, all of us living together in that house after what happened. I got out to college literally the first second I could," Jake said, and Clare's eyes were now beginning to tear up.

"I…damaged mom and Glen's marriage?" she asked, obvious fear in her voice.

"Nah, they were back to normal in like a week or so. But you weren't. And nothing I could do to make you feel better worked – you wanted nothing to do with me for the longest time. If looks could kill, I'd be a dead man. But the most embarrassing thing was when word got out at school – Alli saw your ring missing and said something to Jenna, which then spread like wildfire – you know Degrassi," Jake told Clare and she felt her entire body be taken over by a nervous energy at once.

Jake then continued, "And Jenna also made it perfectly clear to everyone that you and I were step-siblings, and I have never been so embarrassed in my life. No girl in school would so much as look my way, which really sucked. Like, for months – that was another cruel punishment that I didn't see coming. It was horrible. But I can't imagine what it was like for you. That kid who always used to hit on you kicked out of that Jesus Club and made a huge fuss about it, Simpson made you go to some workshop for girls, and…man, it was rough for you there until….um, it was rough for you," Jake finally finished as Clare wanted to go die right then and there. Hearing about it was just as worse as living it, Clare thought. But something that Jake had said made Clare wonder…

"Until what?" she asked.

"Huh?" Jake replied.

"You said that it was bad for me, until something," Clare pointed out.

"Oh yeah, um, all that bad stuff happened like the week after we did what we did, and then…things got better for you," Jake said.

"Why? What happened?" Clare asked in confusion.

"Um….I wanted to help you, I really did, but I kind of wanted to make things okay with my dad more. He had never – not once in his life – been mad at me like that, Clare, and I hated it. I knew things at school sucked for you, but then…um – " Jake trailed off.

"But then what? Spit it out," Clare told him.

"People – you know kids – were really mean. They were really going to town, until…until…Eli stepped in," Jake finally said.

"What? Eli?" Clare asked in confusion. "What did you mean?"

"Some idiots, some guys in our grade…they were…saying mean things about you, writing your phone number in the stalls of the men's washroom. Eli seemed pretty out of the loop with all the drama until the day some idiots wrote some pretty nasty things in the guys' washroom, and then I saw that crazy girl, I forget her name, she just like…told him everything. It was freaking weird, how much she knew – like way too much. I just happened to overhear her saying my name as she was standing by his locker, and I watched his face get paler and paler and his fists clench, so I took off.

God knows the last thing I needed was another Eli meltdown, and it sure seemed like one was coming. Next thing I know, at the end of lunch, all those idiots that wrote those things were being called to Simpson's office, and Eli didn't show the next block – we had history together. When I went to the washroom afterschool, I saw that everything had wet paint sings all over – it had been painted over. Next thing I know, I'm leaving school and I see Eli head inside, tiny little spots of paint on his jeans and an incredibly busted lip and the start of a black eye.

Pretty obvious what went down, but those guys never bothered you again. It was only the next day that I heard that there had been a small fight before Eli told those guys that if they kept bugging you, he'd kill them, and then he apparently said something about how they should know better than to test him – and you know Eli, and all the crazy stuff he did. Everyone knows he's off his rocker and that if challenged, I wouldn't put it past him. I think he was sort of banking on that – everyone thinking he's crazy, because in this case it freaking worked like a miracle. Those guys were scared, I could tell, especially when Eli said that he'd already crashed a car and gotten off with no trouble, and he said something about how a judge would always consider his mental health, while stupidity a judge would not take as an excuse. It was scary – blood running from his lip when he said that stuff – it would have freaked me out too. From that day on, no one bothered you, the school was onto its next scandal of the week when that little Dave guy said something stupid on air, and everyone thought Eli's buttons shouldn't be pushed, and it was plain as day that meant people should not bother you. You were mad at him – something about him being crazy and thinking you always needed to be protected – and I heard you yell something at him in the parking lot how even when you're not even friends you still can't get away from him," Jake finished as a wide-eyed Clare stared at him.

"Don't talk about him," Clare said quietly.

"Sorry," Jake said sarcastically. "I've gotta go, sis, got a date…and another one later tonight, can't be late," Jake said with a playful wink that made Clare roll her eyes. She didn't like the fact that she had basically told Jake she had a brain injury and she was obviously confused about her life; but obviously it wasn't that important to him – he wasn't even making sure that she could get home on her own.

"Jake, wait," Clare then said, because Jake hadn't really given her all the answers that she needed.

"What?" Jake asked.

"Alli," Clare said in a whisper, imagining that…eventually she would have patched things up with Alli. From what Jake had told her, things between the two of them had taken a really different turn, so Clare imagined that surely she would have patched things up with Alli soon after that. She didn't like admitting it to herself, but there had been indeed many times when she missed her best friend.

"Alli? Wow, long time no see. Heard she's a fancy brain doctor at Toronto General now," Jake remarked with a shrug, giving Clare all that she needed.

Twenty minutes later, Clare was standing in a very busy neurology floor of Toronto General, nurses in green scrubs busily talking to patients and their family members.

When Clare saw Alli walking down the hallway, her eyes looking down at a chart as she was saying a whole string of words that Clare didn't even begin to understand at what was clearly her intern, Clare was shocked.

Alli had always been a pretty girl, but…wow, she was breath taking now. It was obvious that she hadn't had much sleep, but she looked absolutely radiant, thriving in the hospital environment. She was wearing a pair of elegant black pants and purple dress shirt under her immaculate white lab coat. Clare noticed the words 'Alli Bhandari, M.D., MSc. Nrl, PhD sewn onto the top pocket of her coat, as well as a lanyard with photo identification hanging from her neck. She was also taller, but so incredibly beautiful – her gaze took your breath away, and her beautiful long black hair was tied back into an elegant ponytail.

"Get an MRI on Mrs. Stadler, there is something going on with that optic nerve and I need to get in there and take a look. I'm going to head to 207 and see if Ella has made any progress, I'm going to need the flashcards. She did excellent yesterday, and if today's the same, I think my surgery success rate has just gone up," Alli was saying, and Clare noticed in amazement that at the end of that sentence, Alli sounded just as much as her usual excited self did back in high school.

It was when their eyes met that Clare was gripped by a cold fear. Maybe they hadn't patched things up at all, she thought sadly. Otherwise Alli would have certainly hugged her eagerly like she always did.

"Clare? Is that you?" Alli asked, in a perfect professional voice.

"Yes! It's me, Alli," Clare replied, her voice full of emotion and regret.

"I'm sorry, can I help you with something?" Alli then asked, dismissing her intern and maintaining her professional tone.

"Yes, Alli, please, I need you to help me remember – you see, I bumped my head and now everything is all fuzzy," Clare told her, hoping Alli would listen to her.

She watched Alli sigh deeply, but she breathed in relief as Alli finally said, "Come into my office".

When they got to the room on another floor, Clare looked around in amazement. Her office was huge; two rooms really, elegant rooms filled with bookcases and even one of those couches that Clare thought you could only find in therapist's offices. Clare saw a U of T Medical School diploma hanging in an elegant frame and briefly wondered where she had gone to college herself, what she had studied, and how she ended up being a gossip columnist. She hoped Alli could provide her with some answers.

When Alli approached her with a pink stethoscope, Clare jumped back at once.

"What are you doing?" she asked in confusion.

"The only reason I invited you into my office is simple: Hippocratic oath. You told me out there that you hit your head; I'm a neurosurgeon. It is my obligation to help you, legally, whether I want to be around you or not," Alli said.

"You don't want to be around me?" Clare asked in surprise.

"You made my life in high school a living hell! But Jake, Jake you forgive right away, even when everyone knew he was hitting on everything that moved when he'd get high," Alli snapped back.

"You knew?" Clare asked in shock. "And you didn't tell me anything?" she accused.

"As if you'd believe me," Alli replied in an exasperated tone. "You were so blind that nothing could ever be perfect Jake's fault. Even him being all flirty while high would have somehow all been my fault in your mind, I bet. Now stand still, you're breathing heavily, I need to check your heart first," Alli told Clare strictly, and Clare was so not used to…professional Alli.

"I don't need you to look after me," Clare snapped back.

"It's my legal obligation to, and you're getting an MRI," Alli said authoritatively. "Here, fill this out," Alli said, all but throwing a clip board at Clare.

When Clare realized that she didn't know half the information on it – she just handed it back to Alli discreetly.

"Don't you have someone to come with you, someone who would know all this?' Alli asked, annoyed.

"I don't," Clare whispered, embarrassed, and it was then that Alli's voice began to take on a warmer tone. She told Clare to lie down on the couch in her office while she prepared everything, and Alli stayed with Clare long after her shift was over, patiently examining her scans at her light table again and again.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Alli finally told her. "Are you on some psych meds at all? Of any type? Sometimes they can have a disorientating effect," Alli said, and Clare could recognize the look in her eyes. The I-won't-stop-until-I-have-an-answer look, and Clare knew that what was happening was something that Alli would never be able to find the answer to, not with all the MRIs in the world.

"I feel better! I'm a lot better now, and no, I'm not on any psych meds. I think I've got to go now," Clare said sadly, but Alli made her take a ride with her, and she ensured that she dropped Clare right off in her building, taking the fact that Clare gave her perfect directions as a good sign.

Clare gave Alli a small smile as she took off her seatbelt and she shyly said, "Congratulations, Alli. On becoming a neurosurgeon. It's all you ever wanted. You worked hard; you pushed yourself, and here you are, at one of the top hospitals in the world, and the best hospital in Canada as a neurosurgeon. I know this might not mean much to you, but…I'm proud of you, you know," Clare told her.

"Thank you. It does mean something to me, you know. But I couldn't have done it without Dave. He supported me the entire way, as did my parents and Sav," Alli said with a faint smile.

"Dave is still your boyfriend?" Clare asked with a sweet tone.

"My husband now," Alli replied as Clare took in the diamond ring and the golden band on her finger.

"Wow! That's fantastic, congratulations," Clare said, and she couldn't help but feel sad as she looked down at her own ringless hand.

"Thank you. Do you need any help?" Alli asked kindly.

"I'm okay. Thank you for all your help," Clare replied.

"Anytime. Come back if you don't feel better," Alli said.

Clare then gave her one last smile and as she opened the door she said, "I'm sorry, Alli. For everything. I…was a horrible friend…when I did what I did".

Alli just simply waved her hand and said, "That was a long time ago. Have a good night, Clare," as she stared straight ahead.

As Clare stood in the cold Toronto street and watched Alli's sleek black Audi drive away, tears ran down her face. Alli had accepted her apology, but she hadn't given her any sign that she wanted any sort of attempt at recapturing their friendship. In fact, she had made it quite clear that she didn't.

Clare felt her body being overcome by sobs as she ran up the stairs to her apartment, opting not to take the elevator.

When she saw her boyfriend come into view, she demanded that he say whatever he had to say now. When it was the fact that he had slept with a different girl every night for the past week – apparently he was out of town or something, Clare couldn't remember that part of the conversation as she stood shell-shocked for most of it – she threw him out of the apartment and told him to never come back again.

She didn't even know him. She definitely didn't even like him; and definitely didn't love him.

So then…why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt at all?

She knew why.

Because today…she had only lived one day in the shoes of her seemingly perfect life…nice clothes, expensive make-up, hot boyfriend…but the truth was that she simply could not stand herself.

If this was yesterday, she would have called him.

So she did.

When a deep, masculine voice was heard on the other end, she immediately said,

"Oh, sorry, I had this number memorized, by good friend Adam Torres used to have it…but I guess that was a long time ago now," in a sad tone, she then heard something she didn't really expect.

"No mistake, this is he. How may I help you?" and Clare faltered for a second at the sound of his deep voice before she excitedly screamed,

"Adam! Adam, it's me Clare! Oh God, Adam, you won't believe what I've been through," she sighed.

"Um…Clare…as in …Clare Edwards….from high school?" Adam asked, and Clare hated that he sounded confused.

"Adam, yes, of course, it's me!" she said passionately.

"Clare…we haven't talked since high school. May I ask what the hell are you doing calling me?" Adam asked, sounding very irritated.

He then continued, "Oh let me guess. You need something. And your boyfriend won't do it for you. What do you need, Clare, we both know it's the only time that you'd talk to me," and Clare felt fresh tears running down her face.

"Adam, please, hear me out – I don't need anything!" Clare desperately said.

"Oh, you don't need anything? Well, then good – " Clare then heard him say, and she was shocked to hear…him hang up.

She sunk to the ground and sobbed deeply, all alone as she stared out at the Toronto skyline through her tears.

She wanted someone to hold her. To tell her that it would be all right.

Someone to tell her that she could fix this; that together they could make a plan.

Someone to tell her that he wasn't going anywhere, no matter how strange her behaviour was.

So the next day at work, she passed her assistant a slip of paper and whispered, her eyes shiny and red as she said,

"I need your help. Can you please find someone for me? His name and old address are here," as she handed her assistant the information.

The assistant, whose name was Doris as Clare found out by sneaking a peek at the mail on her desk, took one look at the note and said, "Of course, Mrs. Edwards. But…I don't need to do a search for him," she added, confusing Clare.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"If you want to do a story on him –" her assistant began, but Clare gently interrupted her.

"I don't want to that at all," she said at once, "this is more of a…personal favour," she said slowly.

"Oh," Doris replied. "Well, Mrs. Edwards, his book just went number one on the best seller's list, I saw him do an interview just last week. I don't need to do a search for him. He lives in the village," her assistant informed her.

"Wow…number one," Clare sighed with a faint smile. So he had done it. Twenty-nine, and….his biggest dream had come true. Well, his second biggest dream anyway, Clare thought with a sad sniffle.

"Wait…" Clare asked Doris, "Which village?" which earned her a confused look from her assistant.

"Greenwich Village, Miss," Doris answered, and when Clare still looked confused, she clarified, "In New York, Miss," and watched Clare's eyes widen.

"Well, then Doris…book me a ticket there, please. On the next plane out of here. Tell my boss I'm getting an exclusive interview with him. And get me his exact address please," Clare said, full of perfect confidence.

That night, she was standing on a beautiful, leaf lined street in New York City, looking up at the apartment building. It was a lot nicer than hers, she thought sadly, but she felt re-invigorated when she saw that his light was on.

His light was on.

How could it be that just a simple thing like that could make her so nervous?

She pushed that thought out of her mind as she raced into the building, arriving out of breath and biting her lip as she knocked loudly on the door labelled 307.

_What he did for me…what Jake told me about…I know I must have found a way to be friends with him after that. I just know it. We must have been friends before he graduated. I can't imagine getting back with him, because he's Eli, but…we must have been friends. _

When the door opened and she wanted to kiss him right away, Clare knew she was in trouble.

"You're tall," she sighed emotionally.

Eli looked different. Everything about him spelled…different. No eyeliner – that was the first thing she noticed. She loved however, that upon closer inspection, his style had not changed much – it was his body that had. He was wearing a cool pair of black jeans, a little looser than what she was used to seeing on him, and an army-style khaki shirt that was on over a gray t-shirt that had a logo that Clare did not recognize.

Oh, but those eyes. Those eyes were the same, and they nearly made her heart stop. His hair was shorter – neatly trimmed, and it made his eyes more prominent. He was wearing a small necklace, only its metal part being visible before the rest of it was hiding under shirt.

His body was all different, though. His upper body was broader; he didn't look like a boy anymore; right there, in his upper shoulders and broader upper chest was the proof that she couldn't deny. His upper arms were bigger, and his hands looked different too. On his middle finger near the top knuckle – there it was though; the way his skin would always fold up when he wrote too much too fast. He was wearing just a simple silver ring, not all the ones he always had.

He was handsome. Really handsome. But he was nothing like the boyfriend Clare had just broken up with; that boy had been…dumb. Really dumb, and Clare had soon realized that he had been no writer. She had no idea what it was that he did, but it certainly could not have been that.

But Eli…Eli's eyes shined with intelligence and wit, and surprise was contorted onto each one of the lines in his face. His lips slightly parted before he confusedly asked,

"Um…Clare...?"

His confusion hit her like a bullet.

"You don't…you don't remember me?" she asked, and she had to fight hard to hold back a sob.

"Of course I do," Eli confirmed at once, watching her entire expression change into one of utter relief and happiness.

"So why did you say my name like that, all confused then?" she asked him, her face falling again a little.

"Because it's been twelve years since I've seen you, and now all of a sudden you're at my door. In New York," Eli said with a smirk that made Clare want to kiss him right then and there.

But his words hit her hard.

"Twelve years? Oh God, Eli, no…I can't remember anything. I need you, Eli. I need you to help me remember my life!" she said urgently to him.

"Me? Help you remember your life? I'm afraid I can't do that," Eli replied as Clare could hardly believe how well he had grown up. He looked like…a man.

"Why not?" she asked, her voice full of hope.

"Because I don't know anything about your life, Clare," Eli said slowly, wondering what on Earth was going on here.

"What?" Clare asked again, the pain of it all overwhelming her.

Eli then clearly spelled it out for her, "We're not friends anymore, Clare," and his eyes widened when she shut her eyes in pain and nodded.

"Come in, please come in," Eli then said, and Clare did as he asked.

She had fled to the only boy who she could trust to keep her safe. But she wondered if to Eli, she was little more than a stranger. And for the first time in a long time, Clare began to understand what it was to be careful what she wished for. Because as she watched Eli make his way into a beautifully elegant and huge apartment, she felt as if all the space she ever imagined stood between their bodies. And she hated it with every fibre of her being. As Eli looked right into her eyes and she shifted uncomfortably, she knew that there was enough space, time, distance…and hurt between the two of them to fill up the Grand Canyon. She almost wondered why Eli even let her in. And as she stood there in front of him as he handed her a glass of orange juice and a glass of water, she knew she had to say something.

_I love you _was the only thing she wanted to say, but she knew she couldn't.

But there was one more.

_I'm scared. Please, Eli, I need you. I need you to protect me_ also came to mind. But she knew she couldn't let that out either.

All she could do was stare at him.

"Clare…what are you doing here?" he finally asked with a heavy sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair.

She knew she definitely had to say something now.


	3. God Gave Me You

**I just wanted to do something nice for Christmas for everyone who likes my stories. I didn't want to have to spend the few days I have off, days with a special meaning for me, reading mean messages from anons and getting messages that told me to get the hell out, because it was a lot better when I stopped writing. I just had a tiny story that I wanted to get out; you can relax, I'm done now. **

**For those of you who told me to continue the story, here it is! The last chapter. **

**Others, please, don't leave me any more mean messages. Have a heart, it's Christmas for God's sake. **

**I hope those of you who liked the story also like its ending. It's been a pleasure writing for all of you wonderfully supportive people. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Clare…what are you doing here?" he finally asked with a heavy sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair.

She knew she definitely had to say something now.

"I just thought…." She began shyly.

"You just thought that what?" Eli asked, much too rapidly and curtly for Clare's liking.

"I just thought you could help me remember my life," she finally finished.

"Clare, I already told you – I don't know anything about your life – we're not friends anymore," Eli deadpanned. "I haven't seen you in twelve years!" he finished.

"What happened to us, Eli?" Clare asked, her voice full of emotion.

"Nothing. We went to different colleges, we got different jobs, our lives just went in a separate direction," Eli said, putting things extremely mildly because he didn't want to hurt Clare.

"What about Christmas? You didn't want to see me then?" Clare asked.

"Clare…I don't know, doesn't your crowd head down to St. Bart's for Christmas or something? Hollywood parties for New Years'? I think I might have seen you through a frosted window once," Eli finished.

"Whaat?" Clare asked as she raised one of her hands to her temple. "But can you help me with something else?" she asked.

"Oh," Eli said, and Clare read the surprise in his face. "Um, sure, what do you need help with? First time in New York and need directions or information?" he said, pulling himself together and reaching for what Clare knew was a much smaller and sleeker version of the iPad.

It was only then that she began to take in how nice Eli's apartment was. Its furniture was a dark, beautiful mahogany; he had two black leather couches in the living room area and a glass table that contained issue after issue of _The New Yorker,_ as well as a blue binder with a NYU logo on it. He had one of the largest, sleekest TVs Clare had ever seen, all around his apartment she could see tiny surround sound speakers. His kitchen was impeccable – all it had on its dark grey counters was a bowl of red delicious apples and an elegant espresso machine; Clare guessed that everything else must have been hidden in the many cherry red wood cupboards and in that stainless steel fridge. He had a small kitchen table with place mats, and oddly enough, pink flowers in a vase. The entire apartment's floors were hard wood, but he had area rugs here and there. Clare softly smiled when she saw that his band poster habit was something that he had not kicked – unlike his hoarding; looking around the apartment, Clare noticed that it was cleaner than her own and maintained impeccably – so many bookshelves lined the wall, all of them filled with books after books and similar NYU binders to the one that was lying on the coffee table. The band posters were now framed, however, in elegant black-rimmed glass framings, and it all hit her at once…how much more mature Eli was. And the way he looked – she could not get over the way he looked. Like a man; not a teenage any more, that was for sure.

"Um, Clare…? Where are you staying, I can look it up," she heard him say in a hoarse voice.

She startled a little, and she shyly took a sip of the orange juice that he had handed her before saying, "Um, no, Eli, talk to me first," she insisted.

"Um, okay. About what?" she heard him ask with a raised eyebrow as he placed the iPad on his table and reclaimed a seat on the couch, across from her…he didn't sit on the same couch of her, and that action on his part confused her a little.

"About…life," Clare finished. "You're twenty-nine?" she asked.

"Just turned thirty," Eli said with a smirk, and Clare hated that she had forgotten that for a few months, their age difference oscillated a little.

"And…you're happy? Your life…it's good?" she shyly asked as she met his eyes.

"Clare…what are you talking about? Why are you here? You're freaking me out a little," Eli said with an awkward chuckle.

"I…I just wanted to remember, and I thought you could. I had no idea that we stopped talking…for twelve years," she said in an emotional voice.

"Clare…are you hurt?" Eli then asked, and the obvious worry in his voice made him sound all of seventeen again, making Clare sigh emotionally.

"No…I bumped my head," she said as she rubbed it in an effort to convince Eli.

"Well then, we gotta get you to a hospital right away," Eli said standing up, "Don't worry, there's one not far from her. I'll drive you," he insisted.

"No, no, Eli, I've already seen like, the best neurologist in the country," Clare said, pulling his arm and making him sit back down. When Eli flinched at the contact, she just wanted to cry.

"Well…what did they say?" Eli asked in confusion.

"She said…she said I'd be fine overnight," Clare lied, "But I just couldn't remember…and so I thought you could help me," she continued.

"And you flew all the way to New York for that?" Eli asked before he could help himself.

"I missed you," Clare then finally said in a whisper.

"Wow," Eli then gasped.

"What?" Clare asked.

"This is so weird…you standing in front of me after all this time, telling me you miss me," Eli confessed.

"Why is it so weird?" Clare asked.

"Because the minute you feel again okay tomorrow morning, you're going to remember that you hate me," Eli said with a laugh.

"I don't hate you!" Clare said, a high pitch entering her voice.

"You're right," Eli said with a smirk, and Clare sighed in relief.

Eli then continued, "Because for you to hate me, you'd actually have to think about me every once in a while," with a sarcastic smirk that made Clare panic all over again.

"Why are you being so mean to me?" Clare said, her voice ringing with a soft whine.

"Um, sorry," Eli apologized at once. "I didn't really mean to say that out loud, but you know me. Crazy mind ran away with my thoughts again," Eli said, widening his eyes playfully, but Clare found nothing funny about his words.

"You're still sick?" she asked softly.

Eli laughed. "Bipolar forever, Clare. You know that. It's why you hated me," he told her.

"I never hated you!" she yelled at him.

"Pretty sure you did – I'm quoting you verbatim," Eli pointed out.

"What?" Clare asked in horror. "I never said that…or I don't remember," she said as she rubbed her temple.

"I do," Eli replied, looking up at her with just as much pain as he often would twelve years ago.

He wanted her to leave.

He had done so well, and just when things were going so well in his life, it was as if she had a radar. Oh, Eli's about to be the happiest he's ever been – can't let that happen, Eli thought bitterly.

He knew that standing here, talking to her, was hurting him.

And he knew that it was dangerous.

But she obviously wasn't fine, he also knew.

So he obviously wouldn't let her go. He would look after her, he decided with a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Eli, that I ever said I hated you," Clare apologized at once.

"Meh, no big deal, everyone hated me in high school pretty much," Eli replied with a dismissive wave.

Clare then shyly said, "I…I saw Jake," and she regretted her words at once.

"Ah, Jake," Eli said with a smug smirk. "How is my super awesome BFF these days?" he asked, and Clare didn't like his tone.

"Ugh, I see you're still just as stubborn as ever!" Clare said in frustration.

"You bet," Eli replied, narrowing his eyes at her. "I'm not your boyfriend Clare, I'm not even your friend! So the good news is I can be as stubborn and crazy as I wasn't – what the hell does it matter to you?"

"I can't believe you! You're still mad, still bitter that I left you that night at the hospital! That I broke up with you!" Clare yelled at him.

"Please, get over yourself," Eli scoffed.

"I can tell! You're still just as hung up on it as ever!" Clare accused.

"I don't care that you left me, and I stopped being mad at you for that the minute I finally saw clearly after my craze with that damn play. And you know what I regret most about the play?" Eli challenged her.

"That you embarrassed me – and Jake – like that?" Clare asked.

"Nope. That I hurt my good friend Imogen," Eli smugly replied.

"Oh, so with her you stayed friends?" Clare asked incredulously.

"Damn right I did. She's one of my closest friends," Eli said as Clare flinched at that news.

She then watched Eli breathe deeply and all the nervous energy that she had previously seen in his body tended to just…ooze out.

His voice was soft when he continued, "She married my friend Daniel last year. I was the best man. I introduced them in college," with a sigh.

"Oh. That's nice," Clare said.

"I'm sorry," Eli then said as his hands slightly shook. "Please believe me when I say that I'm not mad at you for what happened. It was my fault. And I never expected you to stay with me. Clare…deep down I knew you were going to break up with me a long time before I crashed Morty. I panicked, tried that trip to try to fix things, but that blew up in my face. Then at the wheel, I totally lost it. I had no idea there was…" Eli said, faltering a little before he added, "something wrong with me. If I did, I never would have put you through what I did. Breaking up with me was the right thing to do," Eli sighed.

"I'm sorry too," Clare said in a small voice.

"You've got nothing to apologize for. I'm not mad," Eli repeated.

"But you were…disappointed in me, weren't you?" Clare asked. "Be honest, Eli" she then added.

"I…I guess I was always hoping that we would stay friends. Deep down, I thought that…since what we had was about so much more than being boyfriend and girlfriend, that…that maybe you could be there for me as a friend. I knew I'd need a lot of friends because the next months were the biggest struggle of my life," Eli explained.

"I'm sorry. Eli – I'm sorry that I wasn't," Clare replied.

"Well, you were busy. You met Jake and stuff, I couldn't expect you to be there for me," Eli said with a shrug, and Clare saw the sadness in his eyes.

"I did something bad with him," Clare whispered in horror.

"I know," Eli said in a low grave tone.

"How?" Clare asked.

"I saw that…you weren't wearing your ring. Clare, it's not the end of the world you did that with him. I know it's not how you always wanted it, but…you met someone else after that, surely, and I hope that by now you've met a guy who has made things up to you, given you…everything properly," Eli said, and Clare hated that here he was…standing in front of her talking about…other guys out of all things.

"Hey," Eli told her with an encouraging smile. "Cheer up, press girl," he said, and Clare looked up at him with curiosity.

"You know that I work at a paper?" she asked.

"Adam told me, but that was a long time ago, I wasn't sure if you were still there," Eli replied.

"I am," Clare said, wincing in shame, hoping that Eli had never read any of the things that she had written. The language she used, the things she said about people…they had the power to ruin lives, and she knew it.

So she decided to change the subject, "Oh my God, I read about your book –" she said, but when her phone vibrated she apologized and took the call.

It was her very furious boss – and Clare opened her mouth in shock when her boss threated to fire her unless she came back with something good from Eli – she had been impressed that Clare had gotten a meeting with him, so Clare liked that. Her boss also mentioned something about how she needed at least one good quote to supplement all of her 'past research and that excellent piece you've already submitted'. When her boss said the next words after that, Clare felt her heart leap with excitement.

_If this Eli Goldsworthy thing works out for you, it's your ticket out of the gossip section and onto the arts and life review. You can review book for me, Clare. But only if this works. Don't let me down, or else soon you'll become another newspaper editor's problem. _

When Clare hung up the phone, she didn't like that Eli wouldn't look her in the eye.

"So," he said quietly, "you're here for an interview. Nice cover – you hurt your head. Tell me, did you actually think I wouldn't let you in unless you used that excuse? That you needed to pretend and put on that little show for me? Clare…I'm sure you've forgotten, but…I already owe you an interview. Fire away – you'll make a ton of money, I never give interviews," Eli said, sounding so incredibly hurt.

"Eli! No! I'm not lying to you! That's really what happened!" Clare insisted.

"Oh yeah?" Eli challenged her. "Why should I believe you? Why should I believe anything you say?" he asked.

Clare found herself at a loss for words. She searched her mind for an answer to that question over and over again, but nothing came to mind. There was really only one thing that she could say to Eli, and she hoped that it would be enough.

"Because you always trusted me. Because…you always believed in me," she whispered.

It was a long time before Eli spoke.

"Well…what do you want to know, interview or no interview? I've got something that could help you," he said, disappearing behind one of two doors in the apartment that led into other rooms.

When he resurfaced with a book in his hands, Clare jumped up with joy.

"That's a perfect idea!" she squealed in happiness as she grabbed the Degrassi yearbook from Eli's hands.

"Sit next to me," she asked him, and he did so – sitting incredibly far away from her nonetheless.

"Wow…this is so weird," Clare said as she flipped the pages. "I'm in so many pictures!" she remarked.

"Yeah, well you were pretty popular," Eli remarked.

"What? I was?" Clare asked in surprise.

"Yep, especially my senior year," Eli told her.

"Jake told me about how you stopped people making fun of me after –" Clare began shyly, but Eli gently cut her off.

"I didn't do anything," he replied as he looked down at his shoes.

"Yes you did, Eli…it sounded to me like…." Clare softly said, "like…you saved me," and when she tried to gently place her hand on top of Eli's, she hated that he immediately pulled it back.

"I didn't," Eli softly replied.

Clare then turned the page and yelled, "Oh my God! I was prom queen?" and Eli nodded.

"…in grade 11? I was prom queen in grade 11? At the gr 12 prom?" and Eli nodded in confirmation, a blank look on his face.

"…And I went with Jake," Clare said with a beaming smile that made Eli look away. "I went with Jake…to prom…and we were king and queen!" she squealed excitedly.

"Yep, Clare, looks like you got everything you ever wanted," Eli then remarked with a smirk, and Clare deflated at once.

"But…we were broken up," she remarked in confusion.

"Yeah, I think the two of you had a little re-birth there around the time of grad and such," Eli said in a small voice.

"What? But he cheated on me!" Clare blurted out, and she saw Eli look at her sadly.

"Then he didn't deserve you. No offense, but I always thought that guy was a little bit of an idiot," Eli replied with a smirk.

"He's not!" Clare said at once, surprising herself.

"Um, sorry," Eli apologized embarrassingly.

"Why aren't you in the yearbook very much?" Clare then asked as she kept flipping through the pages.

"Ha! Right there – what you are holding contains the worst years of my life. I'm glad I'm not in it, I'm glad I wasn't popular or cool enough to be in it. I don't need a reminder of those times, thank you very much," Eli replied immediately.

"The worst times of your life? All of it?" Clare asked meaningfully.

"Yes," Eli replied categorically. "Except for a few perfect moments….but I'm not sure they meant as much as my warped mind made them out to be. In fact, I'm sure they didn't. I was glad when I got the hell out of there," Eli replied, finishing with a laugh, but nothing of what he said struck Clare as being the least bit funny.

"Oh, here's one of you!" Clare remarked excitedly, seeing a picture of Eli in the drama club.

"All these pictures are taken by Imogen," Clare then remarked with a frown as she looked at the name of the photographer underneath pretty much every caption.

"I would hope so – give her good practice for her photojournalism career," Eli replied, and Clare hated how he sounded…proud.

"She's a photojournalist?" Clare then asked, trying not to sound too jealous of Imogen's career.

"Yeah, works for TIME magazine. Her and Daniel live in New York too, he's a lawyer for the United Nations. Fiona lives here too, she has a fashion line," Eli told Clare.

"Wow," Clare said with a gasp. "Hey, what are you holding in this picture?" Clare asked Eli, having tracked down the only other photo of him in the entire yearbook.

"Oh, in my senior year Mrs. Dawes sent me to the New York writer's festival – and I won a prize. Then she made me take a picture with it for the yearbook, so not my style," Eli said as he rolled his eyes.

Clare then thought back to the binder that she had seen on his desk and it all began to fit together.

She softly told Eli, "And you went to New York for the Writers' Fest and…fell in love with the city," and Eli softly nodded in response.

"That's right – I finally understood that energy that Fiona was always telling me about, much to her satisfaction," Eli replied with a tiny chuckle.

"Eli….I tried to talk to Adam, but he wouldn't. Why?" Clare asked as she didn't meet Eli's gaze.

"Adam lives in Toronto, he runs his own radio show there. He comes out this way a lot, though. I think…I think you guys just weren't as close over college," Eli said, putting things mildly.

"You…you went to NYU didn't you?" Clare asked as she moved to Eli's fireplace and began to study the pictures on the mantle.

She saw Eli and his parents standing in front of Degrassi on his graduation day and she wondered if she even as much as congratulated him and wished him luck on that day. Something told her that she didn't.

She then saw a picture of Eli and Fiona on the NYU campus…just as Eli confirmed her assumption with a,

"Yes. I did an English Lit and Creative Writing double major, and then I went stayed at the school for my Masters' and my PhD," Eli explained.

"Wow, you have a PhD in English Lit…that's so cool," Clare replied as she turned around.

She then asked, "Do you…do you know where I went…what I studied?"

"Um, you stayed in Toronto according to Adam, and you did English too, for your major. Then I think you went right to work," Eli finished.

"I didn't go to grad school?" Clare asked in shock.

"Clare…I just don't know. The only reason I even know you went to U of T and what your major was is because Adam told me. I just don't know," Eli finished.

"Wow…it really is a long time since I've talked to you, huh?" Clare asked softly, and Eli moved further along the couch, even if Clare was standing all the way along his mantle.

There were many pictures of him and Fiona in New York, and they were sometimes joined by Imogen and a boy who –

"Is this Daniel? Imogen's husband?" Clare asked curiously and Eli nodded.

"Wow, his hair is so red," Clare remarked.

"I know, right? So cool. Imogen teases him that it's the only reason he caught her eye – when she's such a liar, it was totally my matchmaking magic that made it all work," Eli smugly said, and when Clare rewarded him with a giggle, Eli felt his heart leap and he hated himself for it.

Clare then noticed a photo that made her put her hand over her mouth.

"Eli! Oh my God, you were in the army?" she asked. That was certainly the last thing that she had ever expected to find – but there it was – right in front of her.

Eli and Adam in army green, huge helmets with goggles over them. The photo was taken from up close, and the boys were hanging onto their guns and smiling as one of their arms was thrown across the other's back.

"Yeah, Somalia 2015. Get this – Adam, the genius that he is – gets himself assigned to covering the war. He comes to my place all excited and determined to make his mark. I have never yelled at that fool more in my life. Nothing that I could say or do would change his mind, so I did the only damn thing that I could. I went with him," Eli said resolutely, and Clare's heart hurt when she remembered how loyal Eli was to his friends….and how he protected them with all that he had.

"My God," Clare then breathed, "Adam looks so different," she whispered.

"Yeah, we're slowly working through all the surgeries, he's only got two left now," Eli remarked with a happy smirk.

"Is he happy?" Clare asked.

"So happy. He's been wanting to do that for a long time, as I'm sure you know. And we weren't in Somalia that long – just a few months," Eli remarked with a shrug.

"Why was there such a huge war in Somalia?" Clare asked in confusion.

"Resource war. It broke out locally first, but when you add piracy, a humanitarian crisis and people dying – well the international community stepped in and organized a peace keeping mission, and of course Canada was one of the countries that sent troops abroad. Adam went as a journalist to cover it, and I needed to find a way in somehow, so I actually connected with one of my profs at U of T who taught me Canadian studies. He was a consultant to the UN who was going over there, and he needed a research assistant, which was yours truly. Spent five months seeing the most desperate things I've seen in my life and keeping Adam's ass safe," Eli said with a chuckle.

"Oh my God, Eli….you've done so much," Clare sighed, thinking back to her own life in Toronto and being overwhelmed by a deep sadness.

She then examined the rest of the photos – Cece and Bullfrog with Eli on what had obviously been his return at the airport – he was still in army and green, Cece and Bullfrog with him at his PhD graduation ceremony, Cece and Bullfrog and Adam and him at a rock show, Bullfrog and Eli in New York, Bullfrog and Eli at his radio station, Bullfrog and Eli…

Clare then softly gasped and she felt an icy coolness take over her entire body at once.

"Eli….did Cece…is your mom-" Clare faltered, and she turned around to see Eli pursing his lips sadly before looking at the ground.

"She passed," Eli whispered, and Clare felt herself tear up at once.

"Cancer," Eli then softly said. "We tried everything. Got her the best doctors and the best clinics, but in the end she sat me down in one of the gardens at the hospital and squeezed my hand tightly and told me 'I'm tired, baby boy,' words that I'll never forget. She asked me to let her go, to stop the intense treatments that made her pretty blonde hair fall out and that made her forget sometimes…my birthday…concerts she'd gone to with my dad. So she came home, and we had a few more months together after that. She made me…do something I never thought I could be capable of. Accept death," Eli said as Clare saw a tear fall to the ground below where he was sitting with his head in his hands.

"Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry," she said emotionally.

She saw him run his hands over his face and his eyes were teary eyed as he looked at her and said, "It's all right. I'm glad she got to see my first book go to number one on the best seller's list, that's all," Eli finished.

"You have more than one book? I mean, the one that recently went to number one…it's not your first one to do that?" Clare asked in confusion.

"It's my fourth," Eli answered, and Clare gave him an honest, proud smile.

"I always knew you had it in in you, you know," Clare told him.

"You hate my writing. Don't pretend that you don't. You think it's messed up, and crazy. But the thing is that there's a lot of messed up and crazy people in the world that buy my books," Eli said with a shrug.

Clare awkwardly shifted her weight from one foot to the other and didn't say anything. She decided to go back to the mantelpiece.

"You went back to NYU after that?" she asked in confusion at the sight of the next picture – an old man was shaking Eli's hand at what looked like a ceremony.

"I teach a couple of classes there now," Eli replied.

"Wow…you're a prof," Clare breathed. "Do you teach Creative Writing?" she asked, knowing NYU liked to have famous authors among their faculty.

"Nah," Eli replied with a wave of his hand, "I wouldn't be any good at that. I can't really tell people how to write – you've gotta find what works for you. All I ever come up with the few times I've done some writing workshops is telling people to write about the one thing that they could change if they had the opportunity to change anything in the world," Eli finished as his eyes locked with Clare's.

"Hmm," Clare said thoughtfully as she turned to the next picture – it was in front of the London Tower, but what else she saw made her pick up the photo at once. It made her heart sink…because she didn't really need Eli to confirm it; it was written all over his body language…all over his gaze in the photo.

"Eli…who is this girl in this photo?" Clare then asked, trying to sound non-chalant, but desperately failing to do so.

Clare hated that the girl was pretty. Really pretty; she had beautiful long blonde hair that fell onto her small shoulders. She was just a bit shorter than Eli, but she had the same green eyes as him. Her outfit was to die for; tight, elegant navy skinny jeans with a pair of fantastic red cowboy boots that Clare knew at once must have been unique, one of a kind. She was wearing an adorable blue beret, and her long blonde hair was flowing out from under it, the perfect bangs falling over her green eyes. She was wearing something pink under her green military jacket, and carrying a gorgeous soft brown leather purse. But what Clare hated most was that she was looking up at Eli with all the love and adoration in the world….and he was looking right back at her, with even more of that – if such a thing was possible.

"Oh, that's Arizona. She's my fiancé now," Eli said, and Clare felt her heart sink and her hand start to shake.

She had braced herself for the word 'girlfriend'; it was obvious just from that one photo that Eli and this girl had an electric connection, but…fiancé…fiancé she had never expected. Eli was engaged? He was engaged? He had asked a girl to marry him…gotten her a ring… Oh God, she had a beautiful pink diamond ring on her finger, Clare now noticed – and….and…that girl hadn't been her? Clare was completely shell-shocked. Here she was, single when she was almost thirty, and Eli was…engaged?

"I can't believe you're engaged," Clare gasped.

"Well, we've been dating a long time," Eli said quietly.

"How long?" Clare asked.

"We were friends since our second year of undergrad, but I….I wasn't exactly looking for a relationship. She would have been the first person I would have dated after you, and I wanted to make sure that I was ready emotionally, and not hurt someone else like I hurt Imogen. I couldn't do that to anyone ever again," Eli said, his brutal honesty shocking Clare.

"You…you liked her for a while before you became a couple?" Clare asked, wanting to know everything.

"Um, it was more like we were good friends first. I knew nothing about New York; she was from Vancouver herself, so it was kind of nice to meet another Canadian. She knew New York really well though; her parents passed when she was really little and she was adopted by a New York family. But that didn't really pan out, the family ran into financial troubles with the stock market crash and they couldn't afford to keep her. So she went back into the Vancouver foster care system, but then she got a scholarship to NYU and that's where I met her. She helped me with getting to know New York, and she liked my parents visits' always. But…I didn't really realize how much she cared for me – and in what way – until I…I got a little sick," Eli said meaningfully.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"After my mom passed, I…I headed for another low. A bad one," Eli sighed, "And it was her love that pulled me through. She got me to apply for my PhD and not give up on my dreams, and…she just stayed with me a lot of the time when I was a jerk, yelling at her to go away and such. Telling her I didn't need anyone. She made me meals everyday, washed my clothes…it all sounds so trivial, but it meant the world to me. Bullfrog and I were both a mess, and she took care of both of us. One day, my dad told me what I had been too blind to see," Eli pointed out.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"That Arizona loved me," Eli deadpanned. "That all she ever did, even when I didn't deserve it, was love me," Eli said. "When she chose to stay in New York with me and not go back to the Vancouver that she loves with all her heart – when she chose to do her law school here after her English MA…I knew what she was doing. It was…it was the big gesture," Eli said softly.

"So…she's your soulmate?" Clare inquired.

"My…soulmate?" Eli asked with a smirk.

"Yeah…you know. Your soulmate. Like…you get butterflies around her, and there's a funny feeling in your stomach?" Clare asked.

"Um, I don't know about that stuff. I don't think I've been crazy about a girl like that since high school," Eli answered, and Clare looked down at the ground.

"When did you start dating her for real? After how she helped you when you were down?" Clare asked.

"No, I didn't want to…not after it had been so soon with my mom. I wanted to make sure that it was for the right reasons; and that it was fair to Arizona. I wouldn't have done anything that wasn't fair to her. We stayed just friends for another year after that. But then…then we were in a seminar and some wannabe asked her out for her birthday, and I found myself saying she's got plans before I even knew what I said. I knew birthdays were hard for her because she had never really had a party, growing up in such a tough way. And I realized that I wanted to throw her that party. So I did. And at that party, when I was dancing with her, I realized I wanted to kiss her…for all the right reasons. So I did. We dated all throughout grad school, and when we both graduated and got jobs I asked her to marry me. I knew that she had been waiting for me to ask for a while," Eli finished.

"Congratulations," Clare said with a perfectly straight face.

"Thanks," Eli replied, getting up off the couch and accidentally bumping his leg into the coffee table that Clare had placed her phone on. He apologized when it fell, and as he picked it up he saw the background.

"Oh, wow, congratulations to you too," as he slowly nodded.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"This guy whose lap you're on," Eli said, "He's Alex Dongham – best forward on the Maple Leafs. And I do believe the ladies often say he's the 'hottest' one on the team as well," Eli replied with a slight frown.

_Oh, so he's a hockey player,_ Clare thought as she felt more disappointment take over her entire body.

"He's a jerk. And he's not my boyfriend. Just another cheater," Clare sighed.

"I'm sorry, Clare," Eli said emphatically as he handed Clare her phone back.

He then continued, "So, listen, let me make you dinner and then you can stay here tonight – in my spare room, okay? The bed's all made up…um, Arizona sleeps in there sometimes when she doesn't want to commute over in the morning to her work," Eli offered, and many things confused Clare in that sentence.

"Where does she work?" Clare asked.

"The Law Courts, she's a lawyer, but she's also a consultant for CNN, gives opinions when they cover legal cases, so she stays here when she has to be in the studio at like 5am," Eli supplied.

"Wow, she must be a good lawyer," Clare replied.

"She is," Eli replied, and Clare's heart ached badly at how…proud Eli seemed.

"But…she's your fiancé. Why does she sleep in the spare room?" Clare then asked, hoping Eli wouldn't find that too invasive.

"Um…she doesn't feel comfortable doing any of that stuff until marriage, so I set up an extra room so she can be comfortable," Eli awkwardly answered.

Clare nodded, turning away from Eli so he wouldn't see her tears. He had…he was honoring what she wanted. He was so much older, and here she was, having slept with Jake at sixteen because she didn't want him to run. And Eli…had waited perfectly for the girl he loved, even setting up an extra room for her to make sure that she was comfortable.

"Eli, forgive me, I'm gonna go, okay?" Clare said.

"Clare, it's late. New York is dangerous. You're not leaving my apartment," Eli said categorically.

"I'm not sleeping in her bed!" Clare yelled, her sheer volume making Eli widen her eyes.

"Um, the only other option is sleeping in my bed," Eli replied.

"That's better," Clare said emotionally, and after a wonderful dinner that Eli cooked her, she lied in his bed, surrounded by his scent and her tears on her pillow.

She couldn't believe this.

She hated everything about it.

What a mess, she thought as she sobbed into the pillow, not wanting to wake up Eli.

How had this happened? He was engaged – she had the pretty ring on her finger.

He was happy…without her.

He was…going to be married, to another girl.

Clare knew. She knew that she had been wrong. Deep down in her mind, she had always thought that Eli would…always be waiting for her, and in case somethings ever changed, she could simply go back to him.

But this…this was awful.

When she heard the door open, she knew she shouldn't have, but she sneaked to the door and watched the unfolding scene.

God, she was even prettier in person – and so happy.

Clare thought she would die when her lips touched his within minutes of her walking in the door, and she sobbed when he saw her lift her up in his arms and squeeze her gently, brushing her blonde bangs out of her face so he could place a sweet kiss on her forehead.

"I love you," Clare heard him breathe as he rubbed her arms and playfully chastised her, "Arizona, you need to get a bigger jacket, you're all red from the cold," and she only giggled and kissed him again in response.

Her ring was so pretty; a gold band with a pink diamond in the centre. It was big and special rock, and when Clare saw her pink dress shirt and her pink earrings, she judged that Eli had chosen that color intentionally, giving her something special that reflected her personality. Clare shut her eyes for a minute when she saw that next to her engagement ring, the gorgeous girl had a ring that Clare recognized as a purity one. She clutched her own finger and felt for where hers used to lie…and she felt fresh tears invade her eyes when she realized how Eli would always playfully twirl it around whenever he was holding her hands.

"What?" she then heard Arizona yell, having tuned out for a few minutes.

"Arizona, what was I supposed to do? She just showed up here, am I meant to kick her out in the street?" Eli asked, and Clare flinched in shame.

"Oh Eli, of course not. But why is she here? Why now? Why when you and I are about to get married?" Clare heard her ask.

Eli simply shrugged and said that he didn't know.

Clare noted how…they never raised their voices at each other. Eli was softly stroking her hand as they were sitting on stools in the kitchen, and he got up to make her some coffee. Clare watched as he poured cream and sugar into it, obviously knowing the proportions that Arizona liked, and her heart almost wanted to stop, she knew it.

They were so good to each other; Eli handed her her cup of coffee as he pressed a kiss to her hair, and she reached for his hand right away. It was obvious how much they both wanted to look after one another…even as Clare knew that they were really having an argument.

"Eli…you listen to me. This is Clare…I know what she means to you. I know you'll always love her," Arizona said with tears in her eyes. Clare noticed that Eli pulled her into a tight hug right away.

"No," he replied at once. "You listen to me, Arizona Calloway. I love _you._ It's _you_ who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's you who I want to marry, it's you who I want to start a family with. I owe Clare to look after her, but that's the most I will ever be interested in doing. You…you are love of my life," Eli finished and Clare sunk to the floor at his words.

The next morning, she tried to sneak out, but of course Eli caught her.

He drove her to the airport in silence, and said a polite good bye as Clare headed for security.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Mom," Clare sighed in tears as she stood in the doorway of the house that she had grown up in.

"Clare? What in the world? Oh, sweetheart," she said, and Clare cried more powerfully when she saw that her mom's hair had been overcome by greys.

"I missed you so much," Clare said as Helen led her in.

"Glen," Clare then yelled, and she caught him by surprise as she hugged him tightly. "It's so good to see you".

"Nice to see you too Clare. Glad you caught us, we just got back from our cruise a few hours ago," Glen said, a little uncomfortably.

"You went on a cruise without me?" Clare asked in shock.

"Sweetheart, you haven't been home for a holiday in over ten years, we didn't think you'd want to come with us," Helen said as they sat on the couch, and Clare closed her eyes in shame.

"Mom…oh God. Mom…I need you to tell me something, and I need you to be honest with me. What…what happened with me and Eli? I went to see him, and I tried to ask him why we never stayed friends – I know that I must have tried to be friends with him after he did that nice thing for me after I broke up with Jake…I just know it," Clare pleaded.

"Sweetheart, you don't remember?" Helen asked, confused herself.

"Just…mom…I was so blind then…I need you to help me remember it, please," Clare pleaded again.

"Oh, all right," Helen gave in as she laid Clare down along the couch, keeping her head in her lap as she did when Clare was a little girl and she had been upset about something or other that Darcy had done. She gently brushed Clare's curls' back as she softly told her,

"You did become friends again with him for a while, which made me really happy. I know that you were upset with him, and you know that I supported you breaking up with him when you did, because it was completely the correct decision. But I always had hoped that after the boy got the help that he obviously needed, you would find forgiveness in your heart and find your way back to being his best friend. I'll never forget the day that he stood on my front steps with his father and told me that you were his best friend and that you were also the kindest, most patient person that he ever met – so much maturity at seventeen. Had relationships all figured out – if it's one thing I've learned, is that only marriages with your best friend worked. But…things took a different turn, and you know it. Once I found out what you did with Jake, I knew you weren't interested in Eli anymore. Then your principal called me and told me about the awful things that those boys did at school to tease you after people found out about you and Jake, and he told me that Eli Goldsworthy had been sent home grounded for painting the boys' washroom without any permission – though the pain was kept, funny enough – and that he had also gotten in a fight with the same boys who said those awful things about you. And it became clear to me then," Helen said.

"What did?" Clare asked.

"That despite everything, Eli still loved you," Helen told Clare plainly.

"So when he was then assigned as your English tutor – your grades were slipping and Eli was a year older, so it didn't surprise me – I was really happy. Call me the crazy one, but he has been my favourite out of all of your boyfriends," Helen said as Clare's entire chest powerfully heaved.

"I thought I was so smart…I looked down on him, and now look at both of us," Clare said between her tears.

"I know, sweetheart, I know," Helen soothed her, "But if you were so smart, then why were you so afraid? You kicked off before you even got halfway through, Clare," Helen gently said as Clare nodded painfully.

"Then what happened?" Clare asked.

"Then, one day he was here again. This time with both of his parents; before the first day he was meant to come over for tutoring. He said that he wanted to come over and explain a few things before coming back in my house, and his mom and dad told me all about his therapy, and why…he had handled some situations the way that he did. He apologized to me and told me that he never meant to hurt you. And I believed him, especially knowing that he protected you from bullying after what I can only imagine was an awful time at school for you when everyone found out about Jake," Helen added.

"And when he tutored me?" Clare then asked.

"Your grades went up, and I was so happy. And you were friends again. It was written all over his face that he still loved you – but there would be moments that I noticed, you know. He moved away when he noticed himself sitting too close to you…he knew he had screwed up, and he knew…he knew that you didn't feel the same way," Helen said.

"But that can't be why we stopped being friends," Clare pointed out.

"No…that I can pretty much peg down to your seventeenth birthday," Helen said sadly.

"What? What happened then?" Clare asked.

"You…you had just gone to prom with Jake the night before, and it was pretty obvious to me that you wanted Jake to…" Helen said.

"To what?" Clare asked, not liking the direction that this was taking.

"To…make the big gesture. _I still love you, Clare – forgive me for cheating. You're the girl I love – and I want to be with you forever. I love you now and I will forever_ – you know, the big gesture," Helen said, "Something I don't believe Jake will ever make in his life…at all," Helen added.

"But for some reason you were quite sure that he would, and I didn't realize until it was too late. Eli had called me the day before – he wanted to organize a surprise birthday party for you, which he did. But you got really mad at him when Jake came into the house with you as everyone yelled surprise…and then left. He said that parties weren't his style, and he just…took off, I'm not even sure where he went. You…were not happy, Clare. I imagine that it was easy to blame Eli for that, which you did – you yelled at him and at everyone else to get out. I also believe your old friend Adam was rather upset when he saw that – it was him and Eli that spent hours decorating the house for your party. Eli had made you this amazing scrapbook – it was big, and it was so thoughtful – the most amazing present I have ever seen, because it was just so..so you, sweetheart. He collected pictures of all the things you liked, glued in your favourite stories, and he made a sort of Clares-future-life section in it, with pictures of you in a nice house, playfully putting in that Twilight kid you used to like as your husband, and put in pictures of some kids, and you at work…pictures of all the places that you wanted to visit, postcards, little scrapbook decorations everywhere…it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. And then…after Jake left and you kicked everyone out, Eli tried to apologize, said he'll talk to Jake, go pick him up and bring him back so you could spend the birthday you wanted just with Jake. And…you proceeded to throw at him – with an impressing amount of force, I might add – the wonderful scrapbook that he made you. Yeah," Helen thoughtfully said, "I think I can peg it down to that moment pretty much," she finished.

"He didn't tell me any of those things when I just talked to him, didn't mention it at all!" Clare said, completely horrified at what her mom had just said.

"No…but then again, he wouldn't, would he?" Helen softly asked her.

"Mom?" Clare gently asked.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Helen replied.

"I'm sorry I missed all those Christmases," Clare said, feeling her mom bend down and gently kiss her temple.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She knew she shouldn't be here. She knew this was his wedding day.

She had walked by the room that Arizona was getting ready in, and she knew that she was on her way to ruining what was supposed to be the best day of that girl's life…the girl who had not known a lot of happiness as an orphan, the girl who had given Eli all her love.

_But he's MY Eli! _The voice in the back of her head kept telling her, so she ignored the other voices in her mind.

_He's MY Eli_, Clare told herself again as she opened the door.

"Woah, Adam, dude, I'm still changing," she heard Eli say as he fumbled with his best and quickly did up his pants. Clare hope he didn't notice that she definitely stared…as he did that.

"Clare?" Eli asked in confusion.

"Just listen to me, okay?" she pleased.

"Um, okay," Eli said, and Clare took in his elegant tux and perfectly trimmed hair as she heard the band downstairs play a soft classical tune.

"Eli…I just need you to know that that person who paraded Jake in front of you that time at above the Dot, the person who whined to Adam about your play and made him look through your backpack, the person who didn't talk to you after your play, the person who thought about using you to make Jake angry, the person who did use you to make Alli angry, the person who lost her virginity to a boy who I never should have trusted, the person who lied to her mom and hid so many things from her, the person who couldn't be happy for her mom, the person who….didn't thank you for looking out for me, who didn't listen to you, who threw the most thoughtful birthday gift at you….I just need you to know that whoever that person is…that's not me, Eli. That's not who I am," Clare said tearfully, her tears hurting Eli.

"Clare…I know that. I've always know that," Eli said and Clare was shocked, smiling a huge smile through her tears.

"Oh God, Eli, out of all people, of course you would! But you see, I'd like to think that if you _really_ knew that, that if in your heart of hearts you _really_ knew that…then you wouldn't be getting ready to marry someone unless that person…unless that person was me," Clare said, laying all her cards on the table.

Eli sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Clare…I'm getting married today," he deadpanned.

Clare inhaled deeply and gathered all her strength before she replied, "And I'm here to ask you not to. We can beat this together, you and me Eli –" she started, but Eli gently cut her off.

"Clare…I'm not about to abandon the girl who has stood by me all my life on her wedding day. You and I…we don't work anymore. It does not work. Not now. Not when I'm about to marry Arizona. We made different choices; and I chose Arizona. Those are her friends and some of her family that we've tracked down out there – I'm not going to humiliate and embarrass her. I care about her, and she cares about me. We care about each other. You know…you don't always get the dream house, but you get real close, you know?" Eli asked, his voice full of sadness and pain.

Eli then slowly said, "Clare, please don't cry, please don't cry," in a desperate tone.

"I'm not crying…I'm not crying, Eli. Well, okay, I'm just crying because I'm so happy for you! I want you to be so so happy, Eli," Clare said, completely destroyed. "You're my best friend," she said before she reached for the knob of the door.

Clare had come to his apartment, and she was now getting ready to leave.

"Clare wait," Eli sighed, and he opened a drawer in order to be able to pull something out.

When she saw a beautiful, huge, light purple-covered scrapbook, Clare sobbed painfully. Its cover was beautiful; it had her name in sparkly wooden letters, and so many real postcards of places that her and Eli had planned on visiting together, back in their happier days as they were lying on the hood of Morty.

"Eli, please…can I have it? I love it," Clare said, and Eli nodded, also with tears in his eyes.

"You can make the hoarder clean up his act, but you can't take the hoarding out of the hoarder," Eli joked, but Clare only cried harder.

"I love that you kept it – I just absolutely love that. Thank you, Eli, thank you. Now I'm gonna go, I won't have you be late," Clare said.

Just as she was about to walk through the door, Eli softly called her name one more time.

"Clare…" he sighed as she turned around, her face red and blotchy. "Clare…I've always loved you," Eli confessed with a sad smirk before Clare echoed the same feeling and she turned and ran away, past the faint echo of the wedding march in the nearby park in Greenwich village.

She checked into a hotel that night, and cried harder than she had ever cried in her life.

She hated everything about the person that she had become.

She didn't want to live in her own skin. All she wanted to do was turn back time and go back and fix everything. She wanted to give Eli all of her love; she didn't want to give him good-bye. She desperately wished that she could change things.

_I want to go back. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live this life. I hate myself. I hate everything about the person that I have become,_ her restless mind told her over and over again before she finally drifted off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ugh, ugh, I'm up, I'm up," Clare muttered as she heard the alarm clock.

But when she realized that it was her usual alarm, and not that of a hotel, she jumped up at once.

She burst into wild sobs when she looked all around herself and found herself in her old room…decorated just as it was when she was sixteen.

She ran downstairs and she saw her mom – looking incredibly angry, but she didn't have any gray in her hair, and one look in the mirror was all that it took for Clare to cry even harder…because she was back to herself.

She might have lost her virginity, been horrible to Eli and to her mom and to Alli and even to Adam, but she had gotten the one thing that she wanted most.

She still had time to fix it all.

Her mother carried through with her doctor's plans, and Clare's results came back just a few hours later, completely confirming that there was nothing to worry about physically. It was then that her mom told her that simply because she was okay physically did not mean that she was okay emotionally – and Helen led her through a patient talk that sounded to Clare so much like the one that Clare remembered from what she now interpreted as a dream.

When at the end of her talk it was after school time and Clare asked to be dropped off at Eli's house, Helen gave her a soft smile and told her "Of course, sweet heart," making her promise to be smart and patient and try to recapture her friendship with Eli, 'that boy with the good grades and who called you his best friend,' as Helen chose to identify him.

Clare ran up the pathway to his house, up the stairs, and when Cece was the one to answer her knock, Clare burst out into sobs at the sight of her in shining health.

"Oh my goodness, baby girl," Cece remarked in shock, because what was happening was truly the last thing that Cece had ever expected.

"Eli…I want Eli," Clare got out in between sobs in Cece's embrace.

"Did someone hurt you, Clarabelle?" she then heard Bullfrog ask as he surfaced beside his wife, and that simple question made Clare realize something about where Eli got that question from some of the time.

"No, not at all," Clare said with a smile. "But I will hurt someone if I don't get to see Eli," Clare said with a laugh that Cece and Bullfrog echoed.

"Clarabelle….Eli's had a bit of a long trip since you really spent time with him-" Bullfrog began.

"I only want to be his best friend! And if he'll take me back as his girlfriend, I'd be the luckiest girl on the planet, but please….please….don't push me away – please let me see him," Clare all but begged Eli's parents.

"He's upstairs, Clarabelle, go ahead," Bullfrog said as he gestured toward the stairs.

Clare thanked Eli's parents profusely and she ran up the stairs, flinging his door open.

Eli was at his desk, and he quicky threw a newspaper over his desk when he saw Clare, watching her in perfect shell-shock. She was the last person that he ever expected to see come visit him in his room.

"Eli!" Clare said as she hugged him without giving him a chance to react. She loved how he was still strong and firm, but not as much as she had seen him as an adult – he was still a teenager, still not so tall, and still so lean.

"Woah, hello to you too," Eli said with a smirk after Clare let him go from his death grip.

"No more hellos – we don't have any time! Eli, listen to me – I don't want to waste any more time; you're in your senior year, and…you can't graduate without us being best friends," Clare pushed.

Eli laughed, taking her by surprise.

"Edwards, you don't want that. You're just confused because of what happened with Jake," Eli softly said.

Clare flashed him a saucy look and fired back, "Eli, I have never seen anything more clearly in my life before! All I'm asking for is your friendship, even though…even though I'm head over heels in love with you, Eli, and always will be. I might not act like it, but trust me, there's nothing I want more. I want our future to be together me and you," Clare pushed.

"You don't mean that," Eli said as he chuckled, being a little amused at Clare's ways now.

"You give me one minute, and then tell me that again," Clare said.

"Um…okay?" Eli said in confusion, not being ready for Clare to completely jump on him, straddling him in his desk chair and pressing her lips to his with more conviction that she had ever done – ever before. She tangled her fingers in his hair before grabbing his biceps and pulling him closer when he was not responding to the movements of her soft lips over hers. She softly gasped and moaned as she pulled apart just for a second only to attack Eli again, and had his hands not travelled to her lower back and strongly supported her, Clare would have fallen back because Eli's response was soft, but powerful and assertive – making her gasp at once as Eli triumphed – he knew she'd do that, and he was taking full advantage of it as Clare softly moaned and pushed her chest against Eli's. She was softly rolling her body against his and trembling, much to Eli's smug satisfaction.

When he pulled away and Clare gasped, her entire face red, she barely managed to find her voice again in order to shakily say, "You tell me now that I don't love you. You tell me now that you and I are not meant to be together," Clare challenged him.

"Dammit Clare," Eli said with a smirk before he went for another kiss that Clare giggled her entire way through out of pure happiness.

After he separated their lips, Eli kept her forehead pressed against Clare's as he said,

"This isn't gonna be easy. I…I'm better, but it's gonna be a constant effort for me, and –" he began, but Clare cut him off with another playfull kiss.

"And I'm not going anywhere," she finished. "Because I love you…and I want to be with you forever. I'm prepared to give you…everything, Eli," she bravely said as she took his right hand and placed it on her chest.

She heard Eli's breath hitch and it was as if she could almost see him drawing all his strength together before he removed his hand from her chest and used it to softly caress her cheek instead.

"Clare…you and I are gonna start by being best friends again. I'd love nothing more than forever, but…if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to freak out again," Eli told her.

"I know that. I've known that even since you reconciled Jake and I in an attempt to make me happy," Clare told him. "But he's not the one that I want to be happy with. I want to be happy with you," Clare said, and Eli couldn't help kissing her again, deeply and closely, and Clare grabbed his collar as she felt her body melt into the kiss, never wanting to let him go.

"And I want to be happy with you too," Eli confirmed as Clare placed her hand on his chest and giggled when she felt the best of his heart jump through his shirt. She then felt Eli pull her in so he could kiss her forehead, and when she pulled away, he pulled her pretty curls to the back of her head as he said, "And…if you and I share everything…" he said as Clare looked at him softly, "…I would like that to be…when it's right. And I think…it would be most right on our wedding night. I don't care if you've already lost your virginity, because….because to me you haven't Clare. I don't need an anatomical definition to tell me that you are…" Eli said as he lovingly ghosted his fingers up and down Clare's arms, "that you are…everything that is good, that is kindness, forgiveness, and…pure. Your love is pure, and that's all that matters to me. But I think you'd be happiest if it happens on a wedding night…if we ever get to share one," Eli finished with a smirk, leaving Clare teary-eyed as she was sure that she had just heard the most beautiful thing in the entire world. Eli's words…they had made her feel…like for the first time in a long time…everything could be all right again. She could feel okay again.

"Oh, we will," she said with a sassy smile, "We'll get to spend our wedding night with each other. There's no one else that I want to spend it with," Clare said as she hugged Eli with all the strength that she could muster, squeezing him so tight that he even had a hard time breathing.

"I love you," she heard Eli breathe as she was clinging to his shoulders.

"Oh, Eli…I've always loved you. You're the love of my life," Clare said, her voice full of emotion.

She then felt Eli separate their bodies gently so he could kiss her gently again, holding her securely in their embrace and making her feel like she was the most loved girl in the world.

Out of the corner of her eye, Clare saw what Eli had been attempting to hide with the newspaper that he had thrown across his desk.

He was making a scrapbook. It had a soft purple, liliac cover, and he had a series of postcards and the wooden letters L, R, E, C, and A were laid out on the table. Clare recognized illustrations from her favourite stories, and images of her favourite things in the world on his desk, ready to be glued…and he had obviously gone shopping at a craft store, because he had all of these stickers and decorations ready to go in.

He was making a scrapbook that now Clare knew would not just be a sad memory, but the promise of a perfect future with the boy who she loved with all her heart; the boy who would never let anyone or anything hurt her and who would always honor her in every way.


End file.
